Harry Potter and the Lost Chapter.

*Takes place after the epilogue in Deathly Hallows*

EPILOGUE, PART II

Harry awoke with a start. he sat up swiftly, and slammed his head onto the low ceiling.

"What the..." he said, and coughed as he inhaled a cloud of dust. He brushed a spider off of his shoulder wearily, and fumbled around in the dark until he found his old broken glasses, and the doorknob to let him out of his tiny room.

He tumbled out from his room under the staircase, and brushed some more dust off of his too-large T-shirt.

"What is wrong with you, boy!" Barked Uncle Vernon.

"Duddikens ate your birthday pancake, because you were too lazy to get up for your 12th birthday!" Said Aunt Petunia from the kitchen.

"I won't beat you this time. Consider that your birthday present." Uncle Vernon growled, who was a beautiful shade of purple today,

A wave of dissappointment hit Harry.

"I just had the most marvelous dream..." He began, with stars in his eyes.

"Shut up, boy, and do the dishes." Vernon yelled.

Harry sighed, and tried to hang onto the last remnants of his glorious dream as he sadly rolled up his sleeves.

THE END.

The Little ATV That Couldn't (A Cautionary Tale)

ONCE UPON A TIME...There lived three girls (Yours truly, Snow White, and Schooley) who traveled to the far away, magical place of Monroe. Monroe was in the country side, you see, and they desperately wanted to escape the fabulous life of the city to go on an ADVENTURE.
This time, an ADVENTURE meant switching from the safe confines of their car, to the not-so-safe confines of an ATV. The not-so-safe part meant that their adventure was sure to be extremely fun an magical! Like riding a T-Rex over a double rainbow! WOAH.
So they all piled on the back of the 1984 ATV, and were off to explore the land!
Schooley, who had experience in ATVing, took the reins, and started the vehicle."Rr-r-r-r-r. Rr-r-r-r-r. Rr-r-r-r-r-rVRRRROOOOMMMM" Said the ATV!The girls laughed. The ATV was so funny! So they rode off into the sunset, and besides the occasional bug that stuck their smiling faces, the trip was as smooth as Nutella.
Until...
They went to see the miniature unicorns a mile or so down from the Palace, on the Main Road. The Main Road was different than the Back Road the girls were previously riding on. Sure, they met an occasional automobile, but they would get to the side of the road, no problem. "Rrrrrr-r-r-rm." Said the ATV, so Schooley pulled over to a neighboring castle to give the poor little ATV a break."How long do we have to wait?" Said Snow White."Until the ATV is good and ready. Shouldn't take long, eh?"The ATV was silent. The girls waited, and waited, and waited some more. Finally, the girls noticed the guards looking at them through the stained glass windows, so they decided to get going. Schooley attempted to start the ATV."Vrr-r-r-r-r. Vrr-r-r-r-r. Vr-Vr-Vr-Vr-Vr""Oh no!" The girls exclaimed.Schooley tried again, but the ATV refused to move.

The girls looked at each other, and knew they were doomed.

"Come on! You can do it! I BELIEVE in you!" I said, as Schooley attempted to start the engine up.

"Vr-r-r-r-r-r." was the last thing the little ATV could say, before it succumbed to it's own personal illness.

The girls sat there for a minute.

"Well, this sucks." said Snow White.

The only option was to push the ATV all the way home.

The girls learned a valuable lesson that day.

The Moral? Depression wins. Every. Single. Time. Just give up, because no matter how hard you try, it will never be good enough. You are doomed to fail.

And they lived happily ever after!

The Date.

SET: in a coffee shop/park/food court/any of the above. hell, take your pick. or just make something up.

CHARACTERS:

Male: (Age 18, but any age will do.)

Female: (See Male.)

(Their thought translation)

our two protagonists sit across/are standing/are walking/(insert movement here) next to each other. This is near the end of their date. They like each other in a dangerous way, a way that neither of them have ever felt before. Their conversation is in progress.

F: So. Um... How is life? (Jesus, what a stupid question. This "date" is like halfway over, and I ask him how his life is? Shee-it.)

M: Pretty good, pretty good. (Damn. What did I just say that? Obviously I am good, I am more than good. I established that a while ago, why couldn't I have said something different? Oh, Lord. I think she thinks I think I should say something else. Quick, something witty!) Because I am with you, that is. (Oh, what the hell did I just say? Now she thinks I am some sort of loser suing my loser pick up lines, trying to seduce someone who I don't deserve. Way to go, Romeo.)

F: Oh! Good! (Oh Christ. He just said that because I said such a stupid question. Stupid questions deserve fake answers. Maybe I can salvage this some how. Quick, Go Go Go!) Um.

(Shit.)

M: Um. (Shit.)

-AWKWARD SILENCE-

F: (I better say something so he doesn't think I am socially retarded.)

M: (I better say something so she thinks I am not socially retarded.)

M/F: So-

M/F: No, Go ahead.

M/F: You first.

M/F: (There has gotta be an easier way to do this. If only I knew what s/he was thinking... Christ.)

M: So, I was thinking... (Way to go, Einstein.)

F: Yeah? (Way to go, Savant)

M: I would kind of, well, um. Ha ha (WHY AM I SO AWKWARD?)

F: Go on...! (I hope that didn't come off as '50s house wife. because I am not that kind of girl.)

M: I had a really good time. (I had a good time. But I don't know if she even likes me.)

F: I had a really good time too. (I had a good time, but he thinks I am an ass, so I guess this was just a waste of his time.)

M: So, I guess I will see you. (Shit. Like she even wants to see me anymore, after I acted like a COMPLETE MORON)

F: Not if I don't see you first! Hahahahahaha. Heh. (So much for that second date...)

M: Bye! (Bye, forever.)

F: Bye! (Bye, forever.)

M/F: (FML.)

Is there a moral to this tale?

The Ballad of Candace, Queen of the Juggalos

Candace was a girl I used to know,
Who lived in the valley where the roses grow.
She was a good friend, but did you know?
That Candace was a Juggalo.

Candace was indifferent to the whole scene,
because she had no clue what it did mean.
She didn't care too much for ICP
but enjoyed the company of the other clown freaks.

Now, the Juggalos knew what she was
And that listening to the ICP was a Juggalo must
so they all got together to make a plan
so that it was her turn to bite the dust.

Candace was heartbroken by the news
so she set off to find her very own muse
she walked away from the valley where the roses grow
and into the sewer where despair looms.

She had her bags packed to search for IT
the mighty-frightening clown of death
for he was a freaky clown at best
that would put her weary heart to rest.

Way down in the sewers, she came upon his lair
with his panted on face, and his fake red hair
"Oh, please help me!" She wailed
"Can you sing me a little clown prayer?"

IT looked at her and scratched his head
"I can think of something better.
Take me to their beds, where they lie
and I'll show them the circus in the sky."

She was delighted as she dried her eyes
It was her time to fit in, with out the lies!
She took him to the place where her dreams once died
the Juggalo city, at the border line.

The Juggalos were no stranger
to Pennywise, they knew they were in danger
they reacted not in fury, or total anger
they knew IT was just another player hater.

Not before long,
the mighty Juggalo's were gone.
IT and C were all alone,
it was THE END, or so she thought.

Pennywise turned to our hero C,
and said "You are the finest Juggalette I ever did see.
Come live with me, I'd be filled with delight
if you and I were to marry tonight!"

Candace was a girl I used to know
who lives in the sewer where the critters grow.
She is as happy as anyone I know
because she is the ultimate Juggalo!

*(I aspire to be a country singer, this is my first attempt.)*

Are you a Hipster? A brief quiz.

(Before I start this off, you will notice the signature on this post is my real name! I no longer have to use my co-pilot's e-mail anymore, nor do I have to tag every post with A. Pasal. Unless I feel like it...)

Have you ever wondered if you are, in fact, the odd creature they call a Hipster? Take this easy quiz to find out!

1) Are you a Hipster?

[] YES

[] NO

ANSWER KEY

If you chose YES, you are a Hipster! Congratulations!

If you chose NO, you are not a Hipster! Congratulations!

If you chose NO ironically, you are a Hipster! Congratulations!

If you chose YES to try and fit in, you are a poser! Congratulations!

If you chose YES but thought the quiz was asking if you are a Hippie, You need to re-take the quiz!

If you thought to yourself, "Fuck this stupid test", You are a Punk!

If you couldn't decide what to put down and mulled over this test for a while, while thinking to yourself, "What IS a Hipster, so you walked around outside for a bit to help clear your mind, before coming to the realization that maybe, in fact, you ARE a hipster, because you need an identity, and that can fill the void, You have a mind! you don't need to be a Hipster unless you really want to!

If you wanted to watch Star Wars instead, you are a Geek! Congratulations!

If you didn't care about this quiz at all, because you thinks Hipsters aren't very cool anyways, you don't need to take this, because you are already better that the lot of them anyways.

If you wish to retake the quiz because you are unhappy with your answer, you may in fact do so.

Or if you think I am flat out wrong, e-mail me at mack.rambo@gmail.com, where you will be promptly ignored.

Hooters: A Journey (Part 1)

A month or two ago, I turned 18. And I had no idea what to do.

So I figured I would do what most well adjusted 18 year old do on their 18th birthday.

T & A FTW.

But of course this would take a lot of planning and determination. And there was no way I would do this alone, sitting in a corner with a party hat. I had to do this carefully, so as not to ruin it. So I enlisted some help with my friends Ninja Edwards, and Schooley, friends who understood and even suggested the idea in the first place.

Schooley suggested Hooters, because it was pretty tame, and it was a transition. We would work our way up to free pizza day at the local strip club. Plus, we heard the wings were pretty damn tasty.

So we put on our sunglasses and headed out on our adventure. Hooters took a while to get there, and when we arrived in the crowded parking lot, we were greeted with the beautiful sight of a fat man taking his shirt off in the parking lot. His body hair was majestic, and it was a great way to start off a potential dinner. Imagine, looking at that before you had a chance to have some tasty wings! MMMMM!

The Hooters was located next to a now defunct Christian store, specializing in Spanish Bibles.

Laughs were had. Who reads anymore?

We entered the restaurant, and it was very crowded. It was a fight night, apparently. No one came to our aid, so we poked around a bit.

We found hoola hoops.

A woman came up to us!

"45 minute wait, y'all sure you want to stick around?" She said, the words coming out of her hot pink lips.

"...Yes." Schooley said defiantly.

"Can I get a name for y'all?"

The panic set in. What alias were we going to use?

"Sandra." Said Ninja.

When she left, we huddled. Did we really want to stick around?

No.

It was too crowded, and we were too hungry. And it wasn't even wet t-shirt day.

So we left, and as I looked back, I saw the little waitress in her orange shorts running to serve wings to her hungry male customer.

I also saw a mother with her child.

So this restaurant is not just for the men, but it is a family dining establishment!

Someday, we will be bold enough to eat a wing.

Someday, we may even have the glory to work there!

But until then, the Cheesecake factory will do.

The Captain

Years and years ago, I was but a young girl.

Quite a feat, because I am still a young girl. But the opportunity arose for me to go on an adventure. And I took the opportunity, because I am, in fact, only human.

But I decided to go on this adventure because I was a pirate, and Pirates go on adventures all the time. This adventure would mark the end of an extremely long journey, twelve years in the making! Do you know how long twelve years is? A dozen. That is how many.

But I slipped into the ceremonial adventure gown that so many have donned before me, snow white for the females, and crimson for the males, I gathered the symbolic pieces of metal and cord that I have earned over the years. I saw many others with their adventure cords, and I felt at ease. There would be many before me that would rise to this occasion. I slowly entered the dark and barren cave that would be the main stage for the adventure. I stood there among my comrades and peers, and waited for an end that would not come swiftly enough. The ceremonial gowns were quite hot, and I knew it would be a long time before I would be able to take it off. I decided to straighten my square, matching cap, and suck it up, so I wouldn't be such a pussy. The line was moving! Finally! I looked at my friends in the dark cave, as we entered an amphitheater. There were strange creatures looking upon us, with flashing eyes, and signs that had symbols on them. They were screaming, as if there for a celebration... weird.

I sat in the ceremonial chair. I did not know why I was there, but I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. The twelve year journey prepared me for the epic boring-ness of the situation. I knew how to keep occupied. I spaced out as strange people gave strange, generic speeches.

But wait! Everyone was standing up! I did too. It was my time to fly, dear readers, and I was to fly with style. I got to the screamers with the loud voices.

"NAME?" He screamed, quite loudly

"Captain A Pasal!" I screamed at him, and took my place on the stage with the large multiplication sign stuck on the stage. He screamed out the name, and I strode across the stage.

Then I sat down. That was the end of my adventure. I must begin preparing for the next one.

At the end of the journey, we threw up our pointy, square caps.

We did it, Team 2010.

Live long and prosper, bitches.