The Confession

My name is Gregory Schwartz. I am 47 years old, and I live alone. I have no family to speak of, unless you count my cat Susie. Girlfriend? The last time I had a girlfriend was in the Clinton administration, and even then it was more emotional than physical. I have very few friends, except for my poker buddies (we meet every other Tuesday at 6:30, alternating apartments for the sake of change), but we don’t really talk about anything personal, like regular friendships. I lived an alright childhood, I wasn’t beat by my father and my mother loved and cared for me. They died about ten years ago- car crash- but it didn’t affect me as much as it should have. I loved my parents, don’t get me wrong, but I understand that when a person has to die, a person has to die. Circle of life. You want to know why I did it, am I correct? Well, Mr. Wilson. It’s a long story, and it is probably going to put me away for a long time, but I bet you already planned on doing that. And I accept it. Circle of life.

Up until two months ago, I worked at Congo’s. You know, the local pizza place? Yeah, that’s the one. I wasn’t the pizza maker, or the pizza server. I wish. Heck, I would have settled for the dish washer. I was the guy out front waving around the sign advertising the pizza; the guy in the gorilla suit. Yeah, that was me. It was a pretty simple job, put on the ugly, scratchy gorilla suit, wave the sign, ignore the heckles and jeers from the customers, get paid every other Thursday. I made a pretty decent 9 bucks an hour, which may not sound like a lot, but it was enough to pay the bills, and to feed Susie. And that was really all I needed.

Until two months ago. I was having a pretty crummy day. It was raining. I hate days that rain, because the fake fur on the gorilla suit gets heavy and starts to stink, which means I had to dry clean the suit later on, and that gets expensive after a while. So it’s raining and cars are splashing water on me and people are laughing at me because I am a gorilla asking them, no, begging them to buy pizza, when my boss, Mr. Norton calls me in around noon. He is a little guy, around 5’6’’, but what he lacks up for in physical size, he makes up for in his anger and rage. I once saw him yell at a waitress for forgetting to put on her name tag. It was a scary sight, he was flinging food all over the place, the waitress was crying- she was only seventeen and it was a part time job for her- and he fired her on the spot, told her to get out and never come back. Sounds harsh, right? But that was the kind of man Mr. Norton was, and I respected him for that. Mainly because I didn’t want to be like that little waitress. But sometimes you have to do what you feel is right, even if others find your choice of logic questionable

Anyways, Mr. Norton called me into his dirty office because he said he had some news for me. “What kind of news?” I asked, hoping for a promotion to busser or dish washer, anything but my current job.

“We can’t afford to keep you around anymore, this business is fine without you around, and besides, we found a younger and sprier young fella who will work for us for cheaper.” He didn’t look at me the entire time he said that, shuffling papers on his desk. It was like I didn’t even exist, like he was talking to himself. I was shocked. I remember I couldn’t figure out how to speak after that. Me, fired? I worked there for 8 years, I was on time every single day, I even worked holidays, and this is how they repay me? Buy giving my job to a little street punk?

“We will send you your last paycheck, and please return the suit after you dry clean it, for Perry. The new gorilla. Now get out of my office.” He still wasn’t looking at me.

So I left his office, and that was that.

I was walking home, and I lost it. I had no idea what I was going to do. Never went to college, I have no real skills to speak of, and lets face it. Nobody wants to hire an uneducated old man like me. All I had to my name is a cat and this ugly gorilla suit, and I had to return the gorilla suit the next day. Things were not looking good for me, at all. I tried to apply to jobs, God knows that I did, but I was right. Employers want the best bang for their bucks, and what could I do? Wave a sign around? If little street punks like Perry were getting hired to do that, then I wasn’t going to be able to find a job, ever. The younger they are, the harder working they are. I am old and worn down. I get tired easily. I would be a liability to the company if I fell over and hurt myself. Let’s face it. I couldn’t get a job because I was too proud. I didn’t want to flip burgers at McDonalds, nor did I want to work as a janitor. I just wanted my old job back, and that was never going to happen.

I went on a lot of walks during my period of unemployment, trying to figure out just what I was supposed to do next. I always liked to go on walks before then, but I never had a chance because I was working all the time. But now that I had nothing to do with my life, I could take all the walks I wanted. Two weeks was all it took for me to all but completely run out of what little money I had left. I bought what little food I could, split it with Susie, but she was getting tinier and tinier. Poor, poor Susie. She was crying all day now, and it killed me. It hurts when you can’t provide for your family, it hurts! I wanted to feed her, but I couldn’t even feed myself. You know when that happens that you have hit rock bottom. I was watching TV one day, trying to ignore the empty hole in my abdomen that was once my stomach, when King Kong came on. Heard of it? Big ol’ ape falls in love with a beautiful broad, and ends up dying by falling off of a building. I watched the part when King Kong takes Fay Raye from her apartment, she is screaming, and I thought to myself, “This ape can get away with anything, pretty much. Can’t he? I bet he could rob a bank if he needed to, and everybody would be too terrified to stop the old lug”, and then my eyes fell on the gorilla suit in the corner. I haven’t turned it in just yet, mainly because I was too ashamed to go back to my former place of employment and return it. I looked back at the movie, and back at the suit. And it all clicked. I knew what I was going to do to get out of this mess. It was the only way out.

By now, I should mention that I have never, ever stolen anything in my entire life, It just isn’t in my chemical make up to do something like this, but I was desperate at this point. I was at rock bottom. The only way to go is up. Which is why King King clinbed up that building in the first place. I had to plan this out so that I wouldn’t get caught right away. So I decide to start small and rob a convenience store, dead of night, and work my way up. People rob convenience stores all the time, the clerks were used to it by now, just another day on the job. I’d wave a weapon around, wear the suit, and they would give me all their money. Piece of cake.

So I’m walking to my house, and I pass a bank. And I see my reflection in the mirror. My white sunken face poking out from the body of a hairy beast, gorilla mask tucked under my arm. I look into the bank, with the tellers doing their job, people making deposits and taking out their money… and I get an idea. I think to myself, “I’m going to rob this bank, and I get scared by that thought. Me? Rob a bank? I’ve never even stolen anything in my life before! How does a simple man like me, go and decide to rob a bank? I run home, freaked out by what I am thinking, and go to my room. Susie comes up to me and rubs against my leg, and I pet her. She starts purring, and I realize that if I don’t think of a better plan, I won’t have any money to go and feed her, and she is the closest thing to family I have at this point. I have no choice. I have to rob this bank. I have to.

I wait until the next night. It’s two o’clock in the morning, and the streets are totally deserted. I have to plan this out to make sure I won’t get caught. I wear my regular clothes- sports jacket and a bowtie- and keep the gorilla suit in a duffle bag. I walk around the city fGod knows how long, so that I can gather up enough courage to rob this bank, and to make sure that nobody knows what I am about to do. I went to the local toy store earlier that day, and I bought a little toy gun. I didn’t want to get a real gun, because I don’t want to be tempted into using it, but mainly because I can’t really afford to be buying guns at this point. Not yet, anyways. So I go and buy a little fake gun, the kind of toy gun little boys use to play Cowboys and Indians. It’s a little pistol, and I’d be a liar if I said it didn’t look like the real thing. I buy the gun for 5, 6 bucks, maybe? And I am out of there. I turn into a dark alley way, making sure that nobody saw me, which was easy because it was four o’clock or so at this point and change. I am getting scared at this point, but I think of Susie and how she needs to eat, and I get the courage to go on. So I put the suit on, and walk out of the alleyway.

There is a convenience store a few blocks away from my little hiding spot, and I pass a bum or two, but those bums are all asleep in the gutter. I can’t let this happen to me, I think to myself. I need to do this. No other option. The store it a block away at this point, and I pause for a minute or two, gathering up my courage, and start to run. I make it to the store, throw open the door, and start waving my gun around. The lady behind the counter starts to scream. I point my gun at her, and scream “Gimme all your money or I’ll blow your goddam head off!” She is afraid, she is crying, I am shocked at myself for releasing this animal that I never even knew existed into the wild. She is shaking as she reaches into the register, and I feel bad for her. I didn’t mean to scare her. She hands me 20 dollars in change, and she is crying. “Please,” she begs. “Please, this is all that is in the register.” The tears are streaming down her face, and even through the gorilla mask I can see she is scared out of her mind. “This’ll do, lady.” I say, and before I run out of the store, I grab a bag of chips. I know she has probably called the police at this point, so I run to my alley way as fast as I can so I can change an go home. I make it to my alley way, and by then the adrenaline is wearing off. I start to laugh. I hear sirens, but I’m laughing my head off. If I can make it out of this without getting caught, I can do anything. I am the king of the world! I have 20 dollars and a bag of chips, but I feel like I am the richest man in the world. Before I go home for the night and sleep, I go to the store, a different store than the one I just robbed, and buy a can of food for Susie. The good kind, not the cheap store brand. She deserves it.

The next morning I turn on the TV and my face is all over the news. Well, not my face, but the gorilla face. Gorilla Bandit, the woman on the 7 o’clock news says. My name is the Gorilla Bandit. I wonder if my ex-boss is going to recognize that suit. I wait for the phone call or a knock on the door from the police, bringing me in, but nothing happens. I wait it out a week, stretching that 20 dollars and that bag of chips for as long as I possibly can, before I decide to rob again.

Since I know what to expect, the resulting robberies, 4 or 5, can’t remember exactly, get easier and easier. I am getting more and more money by this point, I am smarter. I learn to take any customers money that may be unfortunate to be in the store at the time, but I am still only getting 50 bucks per place by this point, nothing much. I still try to save it as much as I can, but I have bills to pay! I need more money. It’s time for me to start robbing banks.

I plan this out carefully. I don’t want to get caught. If I can rob this bank and get enough money, I can live comfortably for a few months at least before I have to rob again. I want everybody to forget about me for a while. I have to make it count. I have to. The day before I go and stake out the bank, looking at the exit points and the guards. The bank is a small bank, between a McDonalds and a record store. There are six tills, but only three are open. There are a few decorations, a picture of the former owner, a vase or two, typical bank décor. A woman at the till smiles at me, asking if I need any help. I am startled momentarily; I figured that nobody could see me. “No thanks,” I say, and walk out of the bank. I have to gather enough courage to do this. I feel like it’s my first time, robbing a convenience store. I have to make this count. I can’t get caught. Susie is depending on me. I have no other option at this point. No way out.

The bank closes at 6 o’clock sharp, so I head over at 5:45. I have my gorilla suit, I have my toy gun, and I have my duffle bag. All I need now is the money. I kick the door down, scream obscenities, just like I have done so many times before. There are 5 people in the bank right now, and they all drop to the floor, cowering in fear. I make my way to the till. It’s the same woman as yesterday. I am taken aback, but I can’t turn back now. I point my gun at her, tell her to fill the bag or she dies, yadda yadda yadda. As she is filling the bag, I don’t notice the man slowly walking up behind me with the vase in his hand. I don’t notice him until he smashes the vase over my head and left shoulder. I am stunned. I stumble, reach up to catch myself, and the alarm goes off. It dawns on me that I failed and that now I am going to go to prison, but I ignore that thought. I run to the door, its locked. I take a trashcan and smash it through the window and make my way out, running as fast as I can, which isn’t very fast, but I still do what I can. I am pulling glass out of my shoulder as I run, and I can already tell I’m going to need stitches. Sirens are roaring behind me, people are staring, and I imagine how ridiculous I must look right now. Police cars are now in my sight of vision, in front of me, and behind me. I am dead meat. I know I am going to get caught, but I still am wildly hoping I can make it out of this mess alive. I run to the nearest building, run to the stair well, and start climbing. I take off my mask; start to take off the suit, and climb, climb, climb. I’m exhausted and tired, but I still hope that maybe, just maybe, nobody will find me. Up I go to the roof, where I am met by a crowd of police men who took the elevator. Their guns are drawn and pointing directly at my head, and I knew then and there that I lost. There weren’t any exits for me to escape to, unless I jumped off the roof, and I wasn’t ready for that just yet. So I raised my hands and knelt down as the police swarmed me, made sure I was in total custody and wouldn’t hurt anybody, before calling an ambulance for my injuries.

And here I sit, in this little room, telling you my tale that will probably put me away for a long, long time. I know I probably should have waited for a lawyer before I told you anything, but I am tired of running. I am tired of robbing stores and hurting people I know you guys would have gotten the truth out of me anyways, so what use is there in denying what I did? I am very sorry for the people I have scared, and I know I am going to be in prison for God only know how long. Can you do me a favor, though? I know a guy like me shouldn’t be asking an officer like you for any favors, but a man’s gotta try, right? Susie, my cat… She is a good little cat. can you make sure she gets a good, loving home? And scratch her behind the ears for me? She always liked that. Make sure she is going to be OK. Please? Promise me that, and I am all yours.

(Draft 1, copyright 2011)

Why I Hate my Name.

In the second grade, after recess on Fridays, my teacher would have some sort of way for us to make 5 pennies. She would ask the entire class a certain question on Monday, and we had an entire week to find the answer to the question. These questions would be easy, mind you. We were second graders. Questions like, "What is your heritage", or "What is your favorite animal and why". Questions a 7 year old could answer. If the question was right, she would give us 5 pennies. If wrong, no money. The rules were simple.

One Monday, she asked us to find out what our name meant. It was an exciting one, a harder one to figure out. So I went home and asked my dad what my name meant.

'We found your name in a dictionary," he said.

"We liked the name Amber because it sounded cool, and it is a semi-precious rock, just like you. Millions of years ago, in the pre-historic era, mosquitoes were enormous. They would try to drink the tree sap from trees, but the sap would trap the mosquitoes inside, where they remained for millions of years. Over time, the sap would petrify while continuing to preserve the mosquito on the inside. Your name comes from the finished product, the petrified amber. The tree sap, and the color of the sap."

I thought that this was an awesome answer. I loved that the mosquitoes probably had seen dinosaurs, and who doesn't like dinosaurs? This was going to rule.

Friday rolls around and I am practically peeing myself. I was so excited to tell everyone what my name meant! I had the coolest name ever!

'Any volunteers to go first?" My teacher asked, but I was already halfway up to the front of the class room.

And I told everyone word for word what my dad told me.

And I waited to get my 5 pennies.

My teacher had a baby name book to see if our answers were real.

"Close, but not quite." She said.

What?

"Your name means 'golden yellow brown'. Now, who is next?"

I didn't get my 5 pennies.

My name cost me getting money.

I hate my name.

Fun with Catalogs!

When I am not having a party being a waitress at my place of employment, I work the front desk. Usually, this means I answer phones and sit there (mainly a lot of sitting).

There are occasions where I am blessed to find a magazine

or a catalog which makes the time go by a lot faster, and which makes for some pretty compelling entertainment. Except when there are 3 pages full of personal massagers. Then I want to kill myself.

Luckily for you (and me) there were no vibrators in this issue of Harriet Cole magazine. Even better, there was a picture of a delicious looking meat-loaf right on the cov

er to draw me in!

As you can tell, this man is extremely happy having his hair cut. I bet he would be even happier if he had a body. What this product is supposed to do is keep the hair from falling on the ground which makes it harder to to clean up, but I would rather make a huge mess on the bathroom floor than to ever wear this. He looks like a modern day Queen.

By Day, Harvey Wilson is a regular man. Nobody pays him any attention, and he goes about his daily activities of working for the local Bank. Sometimes, he goes a little bit crazy, and takes the day off so he can read a book! Yowza! What a dangerous man! But by night...

Harvey is known as Fleece-Man, the bank robber. He uses his skills as a banker to his advantage and makes the best out of his situation. And since he is very careful about never ever showing his identity, he never gets caught.

Or he is a rapist.

There really isn't much to say about this image, except for the fact that it is a toilet mug. Let me repeat that statement. This man is drinking coffee. Out of a toilet shaped mug. And we yell at dogs for drinking out of a toilet. I have heard of people drinking some pretty shitty coffee, but I guess this somehow better than drinking it out of a regular mug?

This is not the face of a man who is happy to be wearing a necklace (LIKE A PRO). This is the face of a man who has died emotionally years ago. I bet the girl he loved gave him this necklace, and shortly after she died in a horrific freak accident (perhaps by drinking poison out of a coffee mug???) and the man carries on her legacy by wearing this for the rest of his life.

Or maybe he just really likes wearing ugly pieces of jewelry.

And this is a beer holster. So your hands are free to hold other, more important things. Like maybe another beer?

The rest of the magazine was pretty much like this, except for a lot more puppies and support hose.

It all boils down to this, though-

PEOPLE ACTUALLY BUY THESE THINGS. THERE IS A MARKET FOR TOILET MUGS AND BEER HOLSTERS.

The people who produced this catalog are either terrible human beings or ultimate geniuses.

Or Both. I haven't really decided yet.

Adventures in Babysitting

Sometimes I babysit, as a way to make some extra cash, because my mediocre minimum wage job does not cut it.

I was walking to their house, when a girl with big sunglasses started sprinting towards me. Usually, this means they know who I am, and will end up hugging me, so I stopped and opened my arms wide to recieve the hug. It turns out she didn't know me, and did not want a hug.

So i continue on my merry way to their home, to babysit girl #1 (Names will not be given). Girl #1 is in 5th grade and has a friend, girl #2 over. Girl #2 is in 3rd grade.

OK, I can handle this. Girl #1's dad gives me instructions to take care of the girls while he and his sister go to the big football game that I should be going to because I am in college and it is my team, but I hate football so it doesn't really matter. Girl #1 wants to get sno-cones, I tell her let's wait. Girl #2's sister comes over, who is in the same grade as girl #1. Girl #1 is working on a poster for school and tells them to shut up because they are making too much noise. So girl #2's sister goes home.

Pizza comes, we eat pizza. Girl #2 asks if we can go get sno cones now. It is 630, we can be there and back by 7. Sure. I open the door and there is another little girl, who wants to come with us. Fine. I can totally handle this. Girl #1 and girl #3 ride their bikes, I pull girl #2 in a wagon. Sno cones are 4 blocks away, we make it there when girl #1 say her ankles hurt. Do you want to go home? I ask her. She say no, it doesn't hurt that bad. Let's go to the park! She says. No, time to go home, I say. NO. WE GO TO THE PARK. Girl #1 says. So we go to the park.

We are there for a little bit when I figure it is time to go home for reals. Not even kidding now, I'm in mean babysitter mode now. Girl #2 and girl #3 switch their rides, so I am pulling a different girl. We head on when girl #1 starts to cry because her ankle hurts. Girl #2 starts to cry because she thinks her dad is going to kill her, and girl #3 starts to cry because everyone else is crying. I am freaking out, so I call my mom. She is at the football game, so she can't help. I try to move the girls alone, but nobody is budging. We have to go! I say, but everybody is too busy crying. Girl #2 calls her mom to pick us up so she comes and picks us up. I thank her profusely, she says No Problem! brightly to me, but tells her daughter she is in major trouble. I get to their house, girl #2's mom walks girl #3 home, everybody goes home.

I get inside and sit down. How is your ankle? I ask girl #1. It doesn't hurt anymore.

Well, shit.

Girl #1's dad gets home, and gives me a ride to my house. I tell him everything, he laughs and says his daughter can be manipulative like that. He gives me 50 dollars.

I tell my mom everything, she says I am stupid.

I am the worst babysitter ever.

I am never babysitting ever again.

Why I wish I were a Hobbit

If I could be anything in the world, it would be a hobbit.

Why a hobbit? I could be an amazing elf, a dwarf, or even a regular human (which I already am, which defeats the purpose, somewhat). But a hobbit is the ultimate way to go.

I can eat multiple meals all day long and smoke my pipe when I am full and happy.

I wouldn't have to be ashamed of my hairy feet (I totally don't have hairy feet. But if I did, I wouldn't be ashamed of them).

I would be around half as tall as I am now. I have never really had a chance to feel like what it would be like to be short, and it would be nice to see both sides of the coin, if you will. Besides, it would be nice to have tall people do stuff for me, for a chance, instead of the other way around.

I could eat as often as I want, and it would be relatively normal.

I would live in a sweet-ass hobbit hole, which would be worth it just for that.

I could eat cake and drink tea all day.

I like to think I would make an adorable hobbit.

And above all, I would love to be able to eat up to six meals a day, if I could.

Being a hobbit would be an ultimate dream come true.

(PS-Will somebody please feed me?)

My Secret Dream

Is that somehow, someday, Kel Mitchell will be on SNL for 5 minutes, and he and Kenan can perform the good ol' "Good Burger" sketch.

And mainly because I want to see Kenan and Kel together again, best friends separated by fame and time.

It will be glorious, and I will die happily.

There have been many viral campaigns that actually ended up coming true, such as the whole "Get Betty White on SNL" attempt that was around a year or two ago, WHICH ACTUALLY WORKED.

Betty White is old, and you know what else is? Kenan and Kel. Also, All That.

If Betty White can be on SNL, then why can't Kel Mitchell?

So go on, my internet friends and amigos. Spread the magic so that my dream can come true.

I just ingested 20 pixy stix and saw God.

I just ingested 20 pixy stix, 16 of which were cherry because my friend does not like cherry pixy stix. She one snorted an entire line of them for 20 dollars, though, so I don't blame her for not liking them anymore.

Anyways, I didn't set out to see God. I don't think anybody really has that sort of mentality or goal. What a weird goal, right? "Oh, I wonder if I eat enough of [food], I will talk to God, or become Lady Gaga." One of which is impossible. The other actually happened. I saw God a few minutes after I ate the last stick of magic. I was walking home at the time, in the dark. The streets got quiet. My footsteps slowed down to a steady trot. The lights in the houses started to dim. It was a typical Saturday Night. When I turned the corner to my house, God was sitting on my front porch, on the 14th step. Just chilling.

"Hello, Amber." God said, his voice deep and smooth against my ears.

"Hello, God." My voice deep and low against the cool wind. "So what brings you to this little side of the world?"

"We need to talk."

"Um, OK!" I said brightly. If God wants to talk, you better damn well listen to every word he has to say.

"As you know, today is the 21st." He stood up and started to walk down my stairs towards me, His long white beard blowing in the faint breeze. He stopped when he was about a foot from me. He was a lot shorter than I imagined, mainly because I imagined him to be a giant cloud. Or a dragon. But he was only a couple of inches taller than me. And he was a man, as far as I could tell. I couldn't bring myself to look at his face just yet, because I was afraid of turning into stone. And who wants to be a statue for your entire life? I looked around, just to make sure nobody else was watching this meeting go down. And to give myself something else to look at besides Him.

"Yes, I know that today was the 21st. Aren't you supposed to be up... there... to sort through those who have been raptured, and all that?" I asked innocently.

God laughed a hearty, booming laugh that filled the sky with lightning and thunder.

"You actually believed that the rapture was today? Oh me, who told you that?"

"Well, there was this one crazy religious guy-"

"My child, you have to be more specific than that. The world is full of crazy religious people."

"Well, then. Why do you allow that?"

God paused, and took a deep breath. A cool breeze rustled the leaves in the trees. All was silent.

"Because- You know how there are people out there that... fancy you? And you want nothing to do with them because they are creepy and slightly off? And you are too polite to actually tell them to Fuck off, but you know that they are going to the special part of the psych ward anyways when they die?"

"Um, I think you lost me."

God sighed again. "This isn't why I am down here. I need to ask you to do a favor." He placed his hand on my shoulder. It was warm, strong, and terrifying.

"Oh, no. I am not falling for that one, Mr. God-"

"God is fine."

"OK, God. Anyways, I am not falling for that one again, because I don't want to lead any revolutions, because I know how all of THOSE end."

"No, that is not the reason I am here. Not now, anyways. You are not old enough. Anyways, I was wondering if I could borrow your Wii. I broke mine."

"What the hell, God. You want to borrow my Wii? Why can't you fix your own?"

"Because the pixy stix are wearing off, my child. But until the next time..." I looked at him this time, because I knew I wouldn't have a chance to see him again any time in the near future. His eyes were brown, and his face was white and pale. Before I knew it, he blended in with the sky, and I woke up on the front lawn because the sprinklers turned off. I walked inside, but not before taking another look at the moon. The wind blew, and I ran inside. I knew that I would be seeing Him again someday, maybe sooner, maybe later. But eating pixy stix would not be the way to go about that.

The Moral of this story: Pixy Stix. Not even once. Also, never let God borrow your Wii, because you will probably never see it again. And I was just getting the hang of Twilight Princess.

Dial M for Megaladon (Ch. 12)

"Today is the day."

"Wha..?" Megaladon grumbled. She was never very good at waking up early. At least, she figured it was early. She didn't really know at this point anymore, being stuck in an ice cave since December makes it kind of hard to figure out the difference between the morning and the night. No matter what time it was, Megaladon was groggy and tired.

The crew of renegades have been busy training themselves, along with other members of the galaxy who wanted a change. Their crew grew to quite an astounding number, at least 300 or so. But was this going to be enough? Nobody knew the exact number of the zombie crew, and there were thousands of others in hiding as well, who didn't really want to get involved in the battle if death was going to be involved. But they sent their wishes for the best with interstellar fruit baskets, which was good enough for them. This meant that they didn't need to worry about their meals while they were underground. Which only added to the confusion as to what time it was. Fruit for every meal defeats the purpose of Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, and every small meal in between. But they were busy raising and breeding the illegal pokemon to create the ultimate fighting team, so that was enough.

"Today is the day." M Cassie repeated again, her rosy face poking out of her heavy parka.

"The Lady is going to rise today." she said, her eyes twinkling.

"How..." Megaladon replied, still half asleep.

"How do I know? Well, do you miss the sun?"

"Well, yea-"

"Then it is time." M Cassie stood up, and walked to the other tents in the cave, waking up the rest of the renegades. Megaladon took a moment to compose herself, before she finally got up and out of the tent. She breathed a heavy sigh, before releasing her Magikarp and called over Cornelius.

"You two... I just want to say how proud I am of you two. I know that we have had some problems in the past, but that I-" She sniffed, and held back a sob.

"S'allright, my friend. You don't have to say a word." Cornelius said, and nuzzled her a bit.

Megaladon smiled.

"You are all right." She brushed back Cornelius's hair, and gave him an apple to munch on, before walking away to compose herself, as Chester slowly walked up towards her.

To say that there was something between the two of them was a complicated subject. They tried to hide their feelings somewhat, but you could still cut the sexual tension between the two of them with a chainsaw. But they still tried to keep to themselves, so as not to create any further sexual tension. This, of course, is the absolute opposite thing that one should do if they are in love with somebody. The feelings will only multiply profusely until everybody know what is going on between the two of you.

"So, this migh' be it, Little lady" Chester said grimmly.

"From what I have heard, yes. But I can't continue living like this! In an ice cave! Underground! I haven't had bacon in months, and this ends now!"

Chester laughed.

"What Why are you laughing? Do you not know of the imminent danger we are about to face? We might die, and you are laughing!"

Chester stopped, and tried to get a word in edgewise, but Megaladon wouldn't allow it.

"I will not stand for this. I am going to live free, or die hard. I am going to set a great example for every small ninja pokemon warrior girl out there who is afraid to show her feelings! I will-"

Chester didn't say anything, but his lips certainly were trying to. Or so Megaladon thought, because that is what they felt like on her own lips. She tried to protest, but instead contributed to the strange language of the kiss by reciprocating her own message to him. One that said 'I love you, but...'

"I can't." She pulled away, looked at him deeply in the eyes, and walked away before her feelings got the better of her again. She couldn't do this to her friend, Ninja Edwards, she couldn't! And she wouldn't allow herself to become attached to somebody of he or she were going to die, possible. Chester was right behind her, trying to talk some sense into her.

"I can't Don't you see? We can't do this, it will only cause problems for us later on down the road." Megaladon firmly stated.

"But-But wouldn' you rather be together now, than wonder wha' it could've been? I know you're afraid, an' I know that this is complicated, to be hones', but isn' this easier than tryin' to deny it 'll? Besides, all we have is now." Chester looked her deep into the eyes, and she kissed him, squarely on the forehead.

"Not now. Maybe after all of this is over, but not now." She looked at him with determination burning in her eyes. "We have a war to win."

Lil' Sis VS Missionaries

Romance Novels from Wal-Mart: A Book Review

I bought a romance novel at Wal-Mart the other day, solely because I felt that all girls should read a romance novel at least once in their lives. Or because I felt that in order to fully be a female, I had to read one. This, I learned, is not a very good answer. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I browsed the aisles up and down for the perfect book.

On a different, side note, did you know that Wal-Mart has an entire aisle reserved for romance novels? And not one of them involved a picture of Fabio.

After much debate, I finally settled on this beauty. The title says it all: Delectably Undone! Notice the use of the exclamation point! And the beautiful script! I knew I held a treasure. And the price was unbeatable, even by Wal-Mart standards. But the best part? There were 5 different stories. 5 stories! It was like I found the bible of romance novels. But could I judge a book solely on the cover?

Well, there was a naked woman on it. So I can't be too far off.

At this point, I should probably mention I was expecting a romance novel. And by my definition of a romance novel, I mean that there was a lot of love in it, as in, falling in love, maybe some kissing or holding hands, a lot of tragedy. That kind of romance. I didn't realize that there would be sex in it. A lot of sex. So if you do not want to read about sex, read no further.

You have been warned.

There were 5 different stories, as i have mentioned earlier, but for the sake of this post, I will only review one of the stories, so that you may enjoy the other ones at your leisure.

Here is the plot summary of The Captain's Wicked Wager, by Marguerite Kaye:

Captain Ewan Dalgleish makes Isabella Mansfield a scandalous wager: In return for the money she needs, she must spend three nights with him...

That is the end of the plot summary of The Captain's Wager, by Marguerite Kaye.

Judging the book on the summary, it looks and sounds pretty lame. Ewan and Isabella is too close to my comfort zone, especially since she goes by (spoiler!) Belle later on in the story. Ewan and Belle. Belle and Ewan. Also, Ewan has the most amazing last name in the world. It was like the author was playing Scrabble from a set she bought from the thrift store, and she forgot how to spell "Dog Leash". I don't even know if that is how the word is supposed to be pronounced, but I couldn't think of a better sounding way. Dal-G-Leash? Dally? I give up.

The story is 51 pages. Sex happens about 6 pages in. There is no real sexual tension. At all.

The "story" is that Belle is more or less a compulsive gambler, who has no money to pay for the gambling that she does. Dog Leash comes in and says that he will pay her debt if he comes home with her for three nights. She agrees. She is not afraid of getting sexually assaulted or perhaps being mauled and made into a skin suit, which makes me think that she does this all the time. The sex is pretty standard. I won't go into describing any of the acts, because I feel that takes away from the heart and soul of the story, and I don't want to give anything away, now, do I?

Here are some choice quotes:

"She was not Isabella Stripped, she was Belle revealed."

"She wanted to touch it."

"'[Belle] will join me in garden after breakfast. You can wear my sister's clothes.'"

"One. That is how they ended. And that is how they began."

We have a real Pulitzer prize winner here, folks. The rest of the book is written by a variety of other women, and their stories involve Vikings and Samurais.

Is this book for everybody? No.

Do I feel like a woman for reading it? No.

Guess I need to read some more.

My Thoughts on Taylor Swift

Oh, Taylor Swift, I do not think you actually know what the word "Fearless" actually means.

You think you are like Alanis Morissette and the word "Ironic". Silly girl.

You are full of many contradictions.

I think you are a poor role model for young girls everywhere because all you do is sing about boys and love, but I will continue to listen to you because I am full of contradictions as well.

I hope that someday, you do find true love, so that you can focus on writing about other stuff. Like puppies and rainbows and the like.

I wish the best for you, and hope that you will never run out of glitter.

Rewriting Laffy Taffy Jokes

Laffy Taffy is terrible, in both candy form and joke form. Apparently the jokes are supposed to distract you from the overwhelming amount of corn syrup you are putting into your body, but it doesn't really do a very good job of it. Some people might find the particular candy an acceptable form of candy/joke fodder, but you could do so much better. Laffy Taffy is like the boyfriend (or girlfriend, but for the sake of this argument, we will stick with boyfriend) you had in high school before you went to college- He was always there, kind of bland and boring, yes, but he was comforting. And he told the worst jokes ever. And he was boring.

But you went to college to get a degree and a new life! You and your boyfriend promised to stay together forever, even though you and him went to colleges on the opposite sides of the world. But together forever is a promise, you say! And so it remained.

Until you met the boy who lived across the hall. He was tall, gorgeous, and had an accent that you couldn't quite put your finger on. He was smart, he was funny, he was (insert adjective here), he was everything you ever wanted in a man. Who are you going to choose? Laffy Taffy, or anything other than Laffy Taffy?

Exactly.

---

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence

Time to move. You can no longer live between Mr and Mrs Elephant, and Mr Lion. In fact, take a leap of faith and move away from Zoo Street altogether.

---

What does a car run on?

Wheels.

Fred Flintstone's feet.

---

Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop?

He wanted to get the scoop.

Because the ice cream shop was actually an undercover mafia hotspot, known for selling MJ instead of IC. Also, because somebody was murdered there.

---

What did the boy chip say to the girl chip?

Let's dance and I'll dip you!

Potato potato potato potato.

---

Why did the farmer bury all his money?

To make his soil rich.

Because he thought he was a pirate. Also, because he was crazy.

---

What do you call an avid gardener?

Herb.

Mary Jane.

---

What goes tick-tock, woof-woof?

A watchdog.

Kocker $paniel.

---

Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk?

She broke her angle.

Because one of her students pushed her down the stairs, because the student got a bad grade on their quiz.

---

What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips?

A chipmonk.

A homo sapien.

---

Why did the skeleton cross the road?

He had no guts.

He was inside of the chicken.

---

Better? Not really. Worse? Not really.

But these jokes get better in time. Someday you will thank me.

Cooking Pun-pernickel Bread

You butter believe that cooking bread is awesome. One might say I get a rise out of it. The problem with cooking in flour kitchen is that everything gets so dirty and messy. At yeast it is fun and tasty! I loaf it! It smells so slice.

17 Reasons Justin Bieber and I are Soul Sisters

In honor of National Pancake Day at IHOP, And Justin Biebers Birthday, I am going to compile a list of how Justin Bieber and I are completely identical in every way, shape or form. But since there is not enough space in the world for that, I decided to narrow it down to 17 reasons, because that is how old he is turning. While eating pancakes. Mmmmm.

1) Both of our voices crack, except mine really doesn't

2) We are both Canadian

3) We are both under six feet tall

4) Usher wanted to sign me too, but I am holding out and hoping that Jay-Z, Biggs, and Dash sign me to Roc-A-Fella Records

5) His manager's name is Scooter Braun, I like to ride scooters.

6) Both of our voices make the angels cry

7) Little kids LOVE us. The climb all over us, wanting to touch my clothes with their sticky fingers and their juice stained clothes and play Barbie with them. But no matter how hard I insist, they just don't leave me alone. And all I want to do is watch TV. Babysitting ain't easy...

8) Both of us look amazing in skinny pants

9) It's My World too... point OH!

10)We are both adorable

11) I also did not win Best New Artist at the Grammys

12) Rihanna wouldn't give me her number either

13) When I got a haircut, 80,000 people stopped following me on Twitter

14) We are both 90's children, though I am more "R/B/Y" and he is more "FR/LG"

15) When we dance, Angels cry even more. Mainly, Michael Jackson.

16) I was at a concert once, and someone threw a beer bottle at my head. Instead, it hit Justin Bieber. So close!

17) I also played a young juvenile that got gunned down by the po-po on CSI. Except he was just acting. I wasn't.

Astounding! I could pass off as Justin Bieber (I like to think that he can pass off for me).

In fact, I don't know why anyone didn't think of this sooner.

Guess what?

Why Plants vs. Zombies is inaccurate

The very popular, and very addicting game, Plants vs. Zombies (PvZ) is an inaccurate representation of the upcoming Zombie apocalypse.

Is it because Pea Plants shoot peas which do damage, or Sunflowers produce droplets of sun, so that you can purchase more Pea Shooters?

No.

Is it because there are plants that produce money?

Of course not.

And it isn't even because tacos and slices of bacon go for 1000 bucks, because that will be totally true.

It is because zombies eat brains, not plants.

In fact, the only vegetables they would eat are the ones in wheelchairs.

That being said, PvZ is still the best game in the world.

PPR Takes it in the Woods

[WARNING]

This is the first portion of a new segment, Fan Fiction Friday. The following scene contains graphic sexual content between Power Rangers. Reader discretion is advised.]

Written By A Pasal and M. Cassie.

It was a sunny day and the Power Rangers finally had the day off. They decide to go on a picnic, but Kim (PPR) got lost from the rest of her PR friends when Tommy (GPR) slowly walked up to her, his body chiseled to perfection, and his hair blowing gently in the wind.

"You fought a hard battle last week, against Lord Zedd. But you seem really tense! Let me help you with that..." Tommy reached out his hand, caressing Kim's mask, and slowly started to pull it off.
"NO!" Kim protests "What if someone sees, what if Lord Zedd is near? That could put us both in danger!"
"Danger!? I laugh in the face of danger...ha.haha.hahaha"Tommy laughed, a light laugh that drifted away with the wind. "Fine. If you insist, I won't" Tommy said, starting to turn away.
"Wait..." Kim whispers, "We could keep our masks on...."

‎"Fine with me," Tommy said as he began to take off his jumpsuit.
"Tommy! What are you..." Kim exclaimed, but was cut short when Tommy gently pulled her mask up past her lips and planted a kiss on her face....

"Oh! Fuck this!" Kim gasped as she pulled back from the kiss. "Pull it off" she whispered into Tommy's ear.
Tommy pulled off Kim's mask and then his own. A smirk played across his face as he leaned in closer... "Go go Power Rangers!" He gasped, and leaned in again. Kim ran her fingers through his hair, pulling, grasping, tugging. Tommy moaned. The two of them tumbled to the ground, onto the silk blanket that was there the entire time.
"Are you ready for this?" Tommy asked, his eyes filled with lust and concern. ‎"More ready than you know" Kim exclaimed a little too loudly.
Tommy thrusted his hips and moaned " Oh I sure hope your ready for this stallion...."
"Question is.." Kim breathed heavily "Can you handle me...?"They explored each others bodies for a while, touching the delicate pieces of skin where the sun don't shine. Kim pulled back and traced her French manicured nails up and down Tommy's stomach. Tommy shuddered, even though it was like infinity degrees outside. Something was definitely transforming, Kim thought to herself, and she couldn't wait to dock his mecha-robot.

"Lets make this fun. . ." Kim said
"I thought we were having fun" Tommy whispered back sadly.
"Oh we are," Kim said tracing Tommy's body "I was thinking we kick it up a notch, and have Jason (Red Power Ranger) join us. . . "
"You are so hot right now..." Tommy said excitedly. ‎"But...I think we should save that for another time. I don't want to stress myself out too much though. I'm still a virgin." She blushed a delicious red, like a cherry pie.

"I always wanted wanted you to be my first." She said quietly, but with passion.

"You will not find passion in a forest," Tommy Said "There is too big of a risk of bugs flying up your butt."
Kim giggled at this "Then where...?"
"Tonight, my place, it will be special, and romantic and passionate..."
Kim blushed a deeper red "Yes! that sounds.." she thought for the perfect word.

"Amazingly perfect."
"Then it's a date." Tommy exclaimed with a smile, and leaned in once more.

Later that night...
Tommy paced in his room, thinking of the night to come ahead. Everything was perfect, his parents were out of town for the rest of the week, and his siblings were off at their respective sleep overs. They would have the entire night to themselves...

as he paced he became nervous, but in a good way. Tommy made sure that everything was perfect, clean sheets, clean room. He went through the check list in his head, everything checked off.

the door bell rang and he was quick to answer it.
"Kim!"
"Tommy!"
She walked though the front door, her seductive perfume catching his attention.
"Sorry I'm late" Kim started to explain.
"oh it's fine" Tommy replied
"I, I just didn't know what to wear." Kim sighed as she slipped off her long black coat letting it hit the floor reviling. . .

a short pink satin dress, that clung to her body. Tommy stood there, his eyes burning with lust and desire.
"Wow, you look, um..." He trailed off, and laughed nervously. Kim did too. Both of them stood there, taking in the situation at hand. "Lemme take your coat." He said as he took her coat and hung it on the nearby coat rack.
"So." Said Tommy.
"So." Said Kim.
"Shall we?" asked Tommy, holding out his hand.
Kimmy placed her small hand in his giant one.
"We shall..." They walked the short distance up the stairs and to his room.
"Goodness" Kim said "I hope you didn't go to all this trouble for me." she said eying the clean room that was Tommy's
"Oh, uh..."
"I like" she said walking over to the bed and sitting on it's clean comforter, the strap of her satin dress sliding off her shoulder, the rest of the dress hugging her body in all the right places. Tommy loosened his bow tie, and sat down next to her. They stared into each others eyes and saw the galaxies that laid behind. Tommy gulped, and brought his hand up to her face, and felt the cool, smooth, soft skin that was her cheek. She smiled, brought her hand up, and kissed his palm. Tommy leaned in close, and gave her a gentle kiss: one, two three, times. Kim moaned, and Tommy kissed her harder. Kim wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled at the perfection of the moment, this was it she thought.
"are you sure your ready?" Tommy asked
"Yes, I just don't want to get hurt" Kim replied
"I will never hurt you"
Kim smiled and kissed Tommy and she leaned back on the bed, bringing Tommy down with her. . . Tommy slowly removed the straps of her dress, while Kim loosened his bow tie, and began to unbutton his shirt, her fingers trembled, but she was determined. Once his shirt was open, she tugged on his belt. Something was stirring down there, and she grinned shyly. After a few more minutes, they were completely naked.
"Do you have..." She whispered.
"Yeah, of course." He stood up and walked across the room. Kim admired his body and the way it looked in the pale moonlight. Tommy reached the dresser and pulled out a condom from the top drawer. "Magnum, the gold standard" Tommy chuckled as he walked back over to the bed.
Kim lightly laughed " I don't think that's big enough!"
Tommy put it on, and with the ego boost Kim had provided him, he was ready. he slipped his hand under the small of her back as he lowered himself on top of her, there was a small moan from Kim, their eyes and bodies locked together. . . "On the count of three." Tommy whispered. "One..."
"Two," She countered...
"Three!" They said at the same time.
He was in her, and she cried out in pain, holding his neck, and ran her nails down his back. Tommy help her close, while rhythmically thrusted into her. The pain only lasted a minute, and then she felt waves of pleasure as Tommy moved rhythmically, his breathing was fast but even, and she found that it matched her own.
The night was perfect, Tommy leaned down and kissed Kim, he moved from her lips to her neck and chest, all with out stopping his thrusting movement, Kim could hear sighs and moans from Tommy, and he could hear Sighs and Moans from Kim. . . ‎"I think, I think I'm gonna..." She gasped.
"M-me too-"
And then they came together, at the speed of light. The angels sang, the fireworks exploded in the sky, and for one glorious moment, the world was at peace. Time

seemed to stop, nothing moved, all was at peace.
Their breathing slowed, Tommy moved so that he laid next to Kim, Her eyes were closed, and she was smiling.
"That was perfect" she whispered, letting the words drift in the air.
"It was" Tommy replied, moving closer to Kim.
"Can I stay. Stay the night?" Kim asked, her eyes glistening.
"Of course you can" Tommy happily replied.
"I'm so tire-" Kim began to say but before she could finished she was fast asleep, and soon Tommy followed her lead, and fell asleep too.

The next morning, Kim woke up and Tommy was nowhere to be found. She pulled on one of his t-shirts, and moved her way downstairs. Tommy was singing in the kitchen making breakfast.
"How do you like your eggs?" He asked.
"Unfertilized." She said dryly. Tommy stopped what he was doing, and stared at her.
"Kidding!" She said and went over to kiss him.
"I had a great time last night." She smiled.
And next week, my parents will be out of town, if you-"
Tommy grinned, and kissed her.
"Its a date!"

(The End?)

Happy Meals

The general public always seem to blame McDonald's and the like for increasing the likelihood of childhood obesity, what with the tasty food and cool toys. If you ask me, any kid willing to go into a restaurant where a clown might be lurking, deserves a Happy Meal.

A Conversation with my Broken iPod

Me: Hello, Broken iPod.

Bi: Wild Thing!

Me: Yes, but can you keep that down? I have appearances to keep up.

Bi: Such Great Heights...

Me: Your sarcasm is noted, and very much appreciated...

Bi: The Angry Mob!

Me: Where? Son of a-

Bi: Sun King.

Me: No. Anyways, you are broken, What gives?

Bi: Last Chance?

Me: No. No more chances. You have let me down before.

Bi: Ladies of the World.

Me: No! Wait, what are you talking about?

Bi: Why do I keep counting?

Me: so now its all my fault?

Bi: Sympathy for the devil.

Me: Really now? Really? After all we've been through. Do you have any last words before I just throw you out the window and call it a day?

Bi: One angry dwarf, and 200 Solemn faces.

Me: Where did that come from?

Bi: Everyday people.

Me: So I guess this is it, then. Goodbye, and good riddance.

Bi: (BLACK SCREEN)

fin.

Haiku Non Review

Haiku non-reviews- will not be very pretty. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

(Todays theme is from the popular Disney film, Mulan)

To defeat the Huns,

We must get down to business

And dress like a boy.

---

Who is this girl here,

I see in the reflection?

I should be a dude.

---

I have a dragon,

He is my guardian pet,

But he is tiny.

---

Cri-key is so cute

he reminds me of Pascal

and his little tongue.

---

Look down, then look up.

I am on a big black horse.

Sadly, you are not.

---

Girls worth fighting for,

will love me for who I am.

Just kidding! I'm fat.

---

Girls worth fighting for

won't be there after the war.

Forever alone!

---

The dark side of the moon

is super mysterious.

It's a mystery!

---

The little blossom

will turn into a big man,

but how does it work?

---

Here's your only chance

to bring honor to us all.

Please don't fuck this up.

---

Remember the doll

that Mulan found in the snow?

That was super sad.

---

Li Shang is a babe.

Too bad I look like a boy.

I will seduce him.

---

My only buddies

are fat, scrawny and ugly.

I'm a cross-dresser.

---

Yo momma's so fat

that the Great Wall of China

cannot contain her.

---

I dishonored you,

but I saved the emperor.

I should get high fives!

---

I will defeat you,

you macroscopical Hun

with my little fan.

---

If I were a boy

I would look like Mulan does

because she kicks ass.

Dial M for Megaladon (Ch. 11)

Deep in the subconscious of the Earth, a Being was restless. A Being, who was asleep for almost half a millennium, give or take a century. A Being who took her time to get ready, because when she was awake, and set, beautiful things happened. When She was awake, the stars shone a little brighter, the air was a little bit cleaner, and the Monsters weren't as scary. But ever sine The Battle, she sunk deep into the crust of the Earth, never to be heard from again.

Sure, her teachings have been peppering the airwaves and the television screens for forever, it seemed, but no one had actually seen a fresh picture of her since her battle with the Emperor.

Things were about to change, drastically.

Lady GaGa does not fall of the face of the Earth that easily. She lives in the center, absorbing all empty souls. Lady GaGa IS the Earth, and now was the time to do some renovations, starting with the filthy rat with the terrible haircut. Her time was coming, little preparation was left. This week, history was going to be made.

All it takes to awaken the beast is a chant.