Anyways, I didn't set out to see God. I don't think anybody really has that sort of mentality or goal. What a weird goal, right? "Oh, I wonder if I eat enough of [food], I will talk to God, or become Lady Gaga." One of which is impossible. The other actually happened. I saw God a few minutes after I ate the last stick of magic. I was walking home at the time, in the dark. The streets got quiet. My footsteps slowed down to a steady trot. The lights in the houses started to dim. It was a typical Saturday Night. When I turned the corner to my house, God was sitting on my front porch, on the 14th step. Just chilling.
"Hello, Amber." God said, his voice deep and smooth against my ears.
"Hello, God." My voice deep and low against the cool wind. "So what brings you to this little side of the world?"
"We need to talk."
"Um, OK!" I said brightly. If God wants to talk, you better damn well listen to every word he has to say.
"As you know, today is the 21st." He stood up and started to walk down my stairs towards me, His long white beard blowing in the faint breeze. He stopped when he was about a foot from me. He was a lot shorter than I imagined, mainly because I imagined him to be a giant cloud. Or a dragon. But he was only a couple of inches taller than me. And he was a man, as far as I could tell. I couldn't bring myself to look at his face just yet, because I was afraid of turning into stone. And who wants to be a statue for your entire life? I looked around, just to make sure nobody else was watching this meeting go down. And to give myself something else to look at besides Him.
"Yes, I know that today was the 21st. Aren't you supposed to be up... there... to sort through those who have been raptured, and all that?" I asked innocently.
God laughed a hearty, booming laugh that filled the sky with lightning and thunder.
"You actually believed that the rapture was today? Oh me, who told you that?"
"Well, there was this one crazy religious guy-"
"My child, you have to be more specific than that. The world is full of crazy religious people."
"Well, then. Why do you allow that?"
God paused, and took a deep breath. A cool breeze rustled the leaves in the trees. All was silent.
"Because- You know how there are people out there that... fancy you? And you want nothing to do with them because they are creepy and slightly off? And you are too polite to actually tell them to Fuck off, but you know that they are going to the special part of the psych ward anyways when they die?"
"Um, I think you lost me."
God sighed again. "This isn't why I am down here. I need to ask you to do a favor." He placed his hand on my shoulder. It was warm, strong, and terrifying.
"Oh, no. I am not falling for that one, Mr. God-"
"God is fine."
"OK, God. Anyways, I am not falling for that one again, because I don't want to lead any revolutions, because I know how all of THOSE end."
"No, that is not the reason I am here. Not now, anyways. You are not old enough. Anyways, I was wondering if I could borrow your Wii. I broke mine."
"What the hell, God. You want to borrow my Wii? Why can't you fix your own?"
"Because the pixy stix are wearing off, my child. But until the next time..." I looked at him this time, because I knew I wouldn't have a chance to see him again any time in the near future. His eyes were brown, and his face was white and pale. Before I knew it, he blended in with the sky, and I woke up on the front lawn because the sprinklers turned off. I walked inside, but not before taking another look at the moon. The wind blew, and I ran inside. I knew that I would be seeing Him again someday, maybe sooner, maybe later. But eating pixy stix would not be the way to go about that.
The Moral of this story: Pixy Stix. Not even once. Also, never let God borrow your Wii, because you will probably never see it again. And I was just getting the hang of Twilight Princess.
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