My Thoughts on Taylor Swift

Oh, Taylor Swift, I do not think you actually know what the word "Fearless" actually means.

You think you are like Alanis Morissette and the word "Ironic". Silly girl.

You are full of many contradictions.

I think you are a poor role model for young girls everywhere because all you do is sing about boys and love, but I will continue to listen to you because I am full of contradictions as well.

I hope that someday, you do find true love, so that you can focus on writing about other stuff. Like puppies and rainbows and the like.

I wish the best for you, and hope that you will never run out of glitter.

Rewriting Laffy Taffy Jokes

Laffy Taffy is terrible, in both candy form and joke form. Apparently the jokes are supposed to distract you from the overwhelming amount of corn syrup you are putting into your body, but it doesn't really do a very good job of it. Some people might find the particular candy an acceptable form of candy/joke fodder, but you could do so much better. Laffy Taffy is like the boyfriend (or girlfriend, but for the sake of this argument, we will stick with boyfriend) you had in high school before you went to college- He was always there, kind of bland and boring, yes, but he was comforting. And he told the worst jokes ever. And he was boring.

But you went to college to get a degree and a new life! You and your boyfriend promised to stay together forever, even though you and him went to colleges on the opposite sides of the world. But together forever is a promise, you say! And so it remained.

Until you met the boy who lived across the hall. He was tall, gorgeous, and had an accent that you couldn't quite put your finger on. He was smart, he was funny, he was (insert adjective here), he was everything you ever wanted in a man. Who are you going to choose? Laffy Taffy, or anything other than Laffy Taffy?

Exactly.

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What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence

Time to move. You can no longer live between Mr and Mrs Elephant, and Mr Lion. In fact, take a leap of faith and move away from Zoo Street altogether.

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What does a car run on?

Wheels.

Fred Flintstone's feet.

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Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop?

He wanted to get the scoop.

Because the ice cream shop was actually an undercover mafia hotspot, known for selling MJ instead of IC. Also, because somebody was murdered there.

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What did the boy chip say to the girl chip?

Let's dance and I'll dip you!

Potato potato potato potato.

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Why did the farmer bury all his money?

To make his soil rich.

Because he thought he was a pirate. Also, because he was crazy.

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What do you call an avid gardener?

Herb.

Mary Jane.

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What goes tick-tock, woof-woof?

A watchdog.

Kocker $paniel.

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Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk?

She broke her angle.

Because one of her students pushed her down the stairs, because the student got a bad grade on their quiz.

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What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips?

A chipmonk.

A homo sapien.

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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

He had no guts.

He was inside of the chicken.

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Better? Not really. Worse? Not really.

But these jokes get better in time. Someday you will thank me.

Cooking Pun-pernickel Bread

You butter believe that cooking bread is awesome. One might say I get a rise out of it. The problem with cooking in flour kitchen is that everything gets so dirty and messy. At yeast it is fun and tasty! I loaf it! It smells so slice.

17 Reasons Justin Bieber and I are Soul Sisters

In honor of National Pancake Day at IHOP, And Justin Biebers Birthday, I am going to compile a list of how Justin Bieber and I are completely identical in every way, shape or form. But since there is not enough space in the world for that, I decided to narrow it down to 17 reasons, because that is how old he is turning. While eating pancakes. Mmmmm.

1) Both of our voices crack, except mine really doesn't

2) We are both Canadian

3) We are both under six feet tall

4) Usher wanted to sign me too, but I am holding out and hoping that Jay-Z, Biggs, and Dash sign me to Roc-A-Fella Records

5) His manager's name is Scooter Braun, I like to ride scooters.

6) Both of our voices make the angels cry

7) Little kids LOVE us. The climb all over us, wanting to touch my clothes with their sticky fingers and their juice stained clothes and play Barbie with them. But no matter how hard I insist, they just don't leave me alone. And all I want to do is watch TV. Babysitting ain't easy...

8) Both of us look amazing in skinny pants

9) It's My World too... point OH!

10)We are both adorable

11) I also did not win Best New Artist at the Grammys

12) Rihanna wouldn't give me her number either

13) When I got a haircut, 80,000 people stopped following me on Twitter

14) We are both 90's children, though I am more "R/B/Y" and he is more "FR/LG"

15) When we dance, Angels cry even more. Mainly, Michael Jackson.

16) I was at a concert once, and someone threw a beer bottle at my head. Instead, it hit Justin Bieber. So close!

17) I also played a young juvenile that got gunned down by the po-po on CSI. Except he was just acting. I wasn't.

Astounding! I could pass off as Justin Bieber (I like to think that he can pass off for me).

In fact, I don't know why anyone didn't think of this sooner.

Guess what?

Why Plants vs. Zombies is inaccurate

The very popular, and very addicting game, Plants vs. Zombies (PvZ) is an inaccurate representation of the upcoming Zombie apocalypse.

Is it because Pea Plants shoot peas which do damage, or Sunflowers produce droplets of sun, so that you can purchase more Pea Shooters?

No.

Is it because there are plants that produce money?

Of course not.

And it isn't even because tacos and slices of bacon go for 1000 bucks, because that will be totally true.

It is because zombies eat brains, not plants.

In fact, the only vegetables they would eat are the ones in wheelchairs.

That being said, PvZ is still the best game in the world.

PPR Takes it in the Woods

[WARNING]

This is the first portion of a new segment, Fan Fiction Friday. The following scene contains graphic sexual content between Power Rangers. Reader discretion is advised.]

Written By A Pasal and M. Cassie.

It was a sunny day and the Power Rangers finally had the day off. They decide to go on a picnic, but Kim (PPR) got lost from the rest of her PR friends when Tommy (GPR) slowly walked up to her, his body chiseled to perfection, and his hair blowing gently in the wind.

"You fought a hard battle last week, against Lord Zedd. But you seem really tense! Let me help you with that..." Tommy reached out his hand, caressing Kim's mask, and slowly started to pull it off.
"NO!" Kim protests "What if someone sees, what if Lord Zedd is near? That could put us both in danger!"
"Danger!? I laugh in the face of danger...ha.haha.hahaha"Tommy laughed, a light laugh that drifted away with the wind. "Fine. If you insist, I won't" Tommy said, starting to turn away.
"Wait..." Kim whispers, "We could keep our masks on...."

‎"Fine with me," Tommy said as he began to take off his jumpsuit.
"Tommy! What are you..." Kim exclaimed, but was cut short when Tommy gently pulled her mask up past her lips and planted a kiss on her face....

"Oh! Fuck this!" Kim gasped as she pulled back from the kiss. "Pull it off" she whispered into Tommy's ear.
Tommy pulled off Kim's mask and then his own. A smirk played across his face as he leaned in closer... "Go go Power Rangers!" He gasped, and leaned in again. Kim ran her fingers through his hair, pulling, grasping, tugging. Tommy moaned. The two of them tumbled to the ground, onto the silk blanket that was there the entire time.
"Are you ready for this?" Tommy asked, his eyes filled with lust and concern. ‎"More ready than you know" Kim exclaimed a little too loudly.
Tommy thrusted his hips and moaned " Oh I sure hope your ready for this stallion...."
"Question is.." Kim breathed heavily "Can you handle me...?"They explored each others bodies for a while, touching the delicate pieces of skin where the sun don't shine. Kim pulled back and traced her French manicured nails up and down Tommy's stomach. Tommy shuddered, even though it was like infinity degrees outside. Something was definitely transforming, Kim thought to herself, and she couldn't wait to dock his mecha-robot.

"Lets make this fun. . ." Kim said
"I thought we were having fun" Tommy whispered back sadly.
"Oh we are," Kim said tracing Tommy's body "I was thinking we kick it up a notch, and have Jason (Red Power Ranger) join us. . . "
"You are so hot right now..." Tommy said excitedly. ‎"But...I think we should save that for another time. I don't want to stress myself out too much though. I'm still a virgin." She blushed a delicious red, like a cherry pie.

"I always wanted wanted you to be my first." She said quietly, but with passion.

"You will not find passion in a forest," Tommy Said "There is too big of a risk of bugs flying up your butt."
Kim giggled at this "Then where...?"
"Tonight, my place, it will be special, and romantic and passionate..."
Kim blushed a deeper red "Yes! that sounds.." she thought for the perfect word.

"Amazingly perfect."
"Then it's a date." Tommy exclaimed with a smile, and leaned in once more.

Later that night...
Tommy paced in his room, thinking of the night to come ahead. Everything was perfect, his parents were out of town for the rest of the week, and his siblings were off at their respective sleep overs. They would have the entire night to themselves...

as he paced he became nervous, but in a good way. Tommy made sure that everything was perfect, clean sheets, clean room. He went through the check list in his head, everything checked off.

the door bell rang and he was quick to answer it.
"Kim!"
"Tommy!"
She walked though the front door, her seductive perfume catching his attention.
"Sorry I'm late" Kim started to explain.
"oh it's fine" Tommy replied
"I, I just didn't know what to wear." Kim sighed as she slipped off her long black coat letting it hit the floor reviling. . .

a short pink satin dress, that clung to her body. Tommy stood there, his eyes burning with lust and desire.
"Wow, you look, um..." He trailed off, and laughed nervously. Kim did too. Both of them stood there, taking in the situation at hand. "Lemme take your coat." He said as he took her coat and hung it on the nearby coat rack.
"So." Said Tommy.
"So." Said Kim.
"Shall we?" asked Tommy, holding out his hand.
Kimmy placed her small hand in his giant one.
"We shall..." They walked the short distance up the stairs and to his room.
"Goodness" Kim said "I hope you didn't go to all this trouble for me." she said eying the clean room that was Tommy's
"Oh, uh..."
"I like" she said walking over to the bed and sitting on it's clean comforter, the strap of her satin dress sliding off her shoulder, the rest of the dress hugging her body in all the right places. Tommy loosened his bow tie, and sat down next to her. They stared into each others eyes and saw the galaxies that laid behind. Tommy gulped, and brought his hand up to her face, and felt the cool, smooth, soft skin that was her cheek. She smiled, brought her hand up, and kissed his palm. Tommy leaned in close, and gave her a gentle kiss: one, two three, times. Kim moaned, and Tommy kissed her harder. Kim wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled at the perfection of the moment, this was it she thought.
"are you sure your ready?" Tommy asked
"Yes, I just don't want to get hurt" Kim replied
"I will never hurt you"
Kim smiled and kissed Tommy and she leaned back on the bed, bringing Tommy down with her. . . Tommy slowly removed the straps of her dress, while Kim loosened his bow tie, and began to unbutton his shirt, her fingers trembled, but she was determined. Once his shirt was open, she tugged on his belt. Something was stirring down there, and she grinned shyly. After a few more minutes, they were completely naked.
"Do you have..." She whispered.
"Yeah, of course." He stood up and walked across the room. Kim admired his body and the way it looked in the pale moonlight. Tommy reached the dresser and pulled out a condom from the top drawer. "Magnum, the gold standard" Tommy chuckled as he walked back over to the bed.
Kim lightly laughed " I don't think that's big enough!"
Tommy put it on, and with the ego boost Kim had provided him, he was ready. he slipped his hand under the small of her back as he lowered himself on top of her, there was a small moan from Kim, their eyes and bodies locked together. . . "On the count of three." Tommy whispered. "One..."
"Two," She countered...
"Three!" They said at the same time.
He was in her, and she cried out in pain, holding his neck, and ran her nails down his back. Tommy help her close, while rhythmically thrusted into her. The pain only lasted a minute, and then she felt waves of pleasure as Tommy moved rhythmically, his breathing was fast but even, and she found that it matched her own.
The night was perfect, Tommy leaned down and kissed Kim, he moved from her lips to her neck and chest, all with out stopping his thrusting movement, Kim could hear sighs and moans from Tommy, and he could hear Sighs and Moans from Kim. . . ‎"I think, I think I'm gonna..." She gasped.
"M-me too-"
And then they came together, at the speed of light. The angels sang, the fireworks exploded in the sky, and for one glorious moment, the world was at peace. Time

seemed to stop, nothing moved, all was at peace.
Their breathing slowed, Tommy moved so that he laid next to Kim, Her eyes were closed, and she was smiling.
"That was perfect" she whispered, letting the words drift in the air.
"It was" Tommy replied, moving closer to Kim.
"Can I stay. Stay the night?" Kim asked, her eyes glistening.
"Of course you can" Tommy happily replied.
"I'm so tire-" Kim began to say but before she could finished she was fast asleep, and soon Tommy followed her lead, and fell asleep too.

The next morning, Kim woke up and Tommy was nowhere to be found. She pulled on one of his t-shirts, and moved her way downstairs. Tommy was singing in the kitchen making breakfast.
"How do you like your eggs?" He asked.
"Unfertilized." She said dryly. Tommy stopped what he was doing, and stared at her.
"Kidding!" She said and went over to kiss him.
"I had a great time last night." She smiled.
And next week, my parents will be out of town, if you-"
Tommy grinned, and kissed her.
"Its a date!"

(The End?)