Dial M For Megaladon (Ch. 7)

Earth was a very different place than what it was one thousand years ago. No, nothing was completely underwater. That is because Global Warming doesn't exist. It never did, really. The world was completely covered in ice. The oceans froze over year ago, or perhaps it was Hell. But the specifics don't matter. The Earth changed when Justin Bieber was elected President of the World in 2018, which he later upgraded to Emperor of the World, a title he still holds today. His secret to long life? He eats his vegetables, kids. Along with the souls of virgins.

The group of renegades exited the Tube like Tube of the Galaxy Highway, and stood to reevaluate their old home. Most people in the Galaxy lived in squalor among the asteroid belt, the masochists lived on Mercury and Mars. Only the sissies lived on Saturn, And the sickos live on Uranus. Or, if people were lucky, they were able to find a spaceship to live on. For thousands of years. Many never experienced the pleasure of fresh air or water, only recycled farts and pee.

Megaladon herself had never been to Earth before. Neither had Cornelius. Megaladon was born and raised on the Moon, and as for Cornelius? Only he knows for sure, and he isn't spilling that secret any time soon.

Our hero stumbled onto Earth, and fell heavily. She tried to get up, but her arms were too weak. Her body wasn't used to the gravitational force of the Earths gravity, and she felt heavier than a Snorlax.

She sat up, and promptly vomited. She wasn't used to the fresh air. And then she passed out. She wasn't used to much of anything, for that matter. Cornelius went over to his fallen friend, and laid down next to her. HE was going through some difficulties. His horn receded into his head. Everyone knows the Earths gravitational field is too skiwampus for magic horns to work correctly. Which meant that no one would be able to hear him talk, because unicorn voices are made of magic and dreams, both of which were completely eradicated because of Emperor JB.

M. Cassie and Ninja Edwards both looked at each other, and at poor Megaladon with pity. And then they built an igloo to live in for the time being.

Once everyone was safely inside, M. Cassie and Ninja talked in hushed tones over the artificial fire.

"We have got to find Them." Said Ninja.

"Them? Them? But that is just a myth. A Legend. A Legendary Myth." M. Cassie pulled on her plaits.

"No. They are still around and well. I have seen them. Because-" Ninja looked back and forth to make sure no one was listening, "Because I used to date Him."

M. Cassie's eyes grew as big as the moon in the sky.

"Pirate?"

"Shh! Keep it down! Do you know how mortifying it is?"

"Well, they say opposites attract... semi colon end parentheses." M. Cassie smiled.

Ninja ignored her comment.

"Do you want to restore peace and freedom to the galaxy, or not?"

"That's what she said." Megaladon said groggily, in her sleep.

"So where do we find him?" M. Cassie asked.

"I think I have a pretty good idea of where he lives." Ninja said, heavy with sarcasm.

"Cold!" M. Cassie said.

And they sat closer to the fire, in silence.