My Thoughts on Taylor Swift

Oh, Taylor Swift, I do not think you actually know what the word "Fearless" actually means.

You think you are like Alanis Morissette and the word "Ironic". Silly girl.

You are full of many contradictions.

I think you are a poor role model for young girls everywhere because all you do is sing about boys and love, but I will continue to listen to you because I am full of contradictions as well.

I hope that someday, you do find true love, so that you can focus on writing about other stuff. Like puppies and rainbows and the like.

I wish the best for you, and hope that you will never run out of glitter.

Rewriting Laffy Taffy Jokes

Laffy Taffy is terrible, in both candy form and joke form. Apparently the jokes are supposed to distract you from the overwhelming amount of corn syrup you are putting into your body, but it doesn't really do a very good job of it. Some people might find the particular candy an acceptable form of candy/joke fodder, but you could do so much better. Laffy Taffy is like the boyfriend (or girlfriend, but for the sake of this argument, we will stick with boyfriend) you had in high school before you went to college- He was always there, kind of bland and boring, yes, but he was comforting. And he told the worst jokes ever. And he was boring.

But you went to college to get a degree and a new life! You and your boyfriend promised to stay together forever, even though you and him went to colleges on the opposite sides of the world. But together forever is a promise, you say! And so it remained.

Until you met the boy who lived across the hall. He was tall, gorgeous, and had an accent that you couldn't quite put your finger on. He was smart, he was funny, he was (insert adjective here), he was everything you ever wanted in a man. Who are you going to choose? Laffy Taffy, or anything other than Laffy Taffy?

Exactly.

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What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence

Time to move. You can no longer live between Mr and Mrs Elephant, and Mr Lion. In fact, take a leap of faith and move away from Zoo Street altogether.

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What does a car run on?

Wheels.

Fred Flintstone's feet.

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Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop?

He wanted to get the scoop.

Because the ice cream shop was actually an undercover mafia hotspot, known for selling MJ instead of IC. Also, because somebody was murdered there.

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What did the boy chip say to the girl chip?

Let's dance and I'll dip you!

Potato potato potato potato.

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Why did the farmer bury all his money?

To make his soil rich.

Because he thought he was a pirate. Also, because he was crazy.

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What do you call an avid gardener?

Herb.

Mary Jane.

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What goes tick-tock, woof-woof?

A watchdog.

Kocker $paniel.

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Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk?

She broke her angle.

Because one of her students pushed her down the stairs, because the student got a bad grade on their quiz.

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What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips?

A chipmonk.

A homo sapien.

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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

He had no guts.

He was inside of the chicken.

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Better? Not really. Worse? Not really.

But these jokes get better in time. Someday you will thank me.

Cooking Pun-pernickel Bread

You butter believe that cooking bread is awesome. One might say I get a rise out of it. The problem with cooking in flour kitchen is that everything gets so dirty and messy. At yeast it is fun and tasty! I loaf it! It smells so slice.

17 Reasons Justin Bieber and I are Soul Sisters

In honor of National Pancake Day at IHOP, And Justin Biebers Birthday, I am going to compile a list of how Justin Bieber and I are completely identical in every way, shape or form. But since there is not enough space in the world for that, I decided to narrow it down to 17 reasons, because that is how old he is turning. While eating pancakes. Mmmmm.

1) Both of our voices crack, except mine really doesn't

2) We are both Canadian

3) We are both under six feet tall

4) Usher wanted to sign me too, but I am holding out and hoping that Jay-Z, Biggs, and Dash sign me to Roc-A-Fella Records

5) His manager's name is Scooter Braun, I like to ride scooters.

6) Both of our voices make the angels cry

7) Little kids LOVE us. The climb all over us, wanting to touch my clothes with their sticky fingers and their juice stained clothes and play Barbie with them. But no matter how hard I insist, they just don't leave me alone. And all I want to do is watch TV. Babysitting ain't easy...

8) Both of us look amazing in skinny pants

9) It's My World too... point OH!

10)We are both adorable

11) I also did not win Best New Artist at the Grammys

12) Rihanna wouldn't give me her number either

13) When I got a haircut, 80,000 people stopped following me on Twitter

14) We are both 90's children, though I am more "R/B/Y" and he is more "FR/LG"

15) When we dance, Angels cry even more. Mainly, Michael Jackson.

16) I was at a concert once, and someone threw a beer bottle at my head. Instead, it hit Justin Bieber. So close!

17) I also played a young juvenile that got gunned down by the po-po on CSI. Except he was just acting. I wasn't.

Astounding! I could pass off as Justin Bieber (I like to think that he can pass off for me).

In fact, I don't know why anyone didn't think of this sooner.