The Ballad of Candace, Queen of the Juggalos

Candace was a girl I used to know,
Who lived in the valley where the roses grow.
She was a good friend, but did you know?
That Candace was a Juggalo.

Candace was indifferent to the whole scene,
because she had no clue what it did mean.
She didn't care too much for ICP
but enjoyed the company of the other clown freaks.

Now, the Juggalos knew what she was
And that listening to the ICP was a Juggalo must
so they all got together to make a plan
so that it was her turn to bite the dust.

Candace was heartbroken by the news
so she set off to find her very own muse
she walked away from the valley where the roses grow
and into the sewer where despair looms.

She had her bags packed to search for IT
the mighty-frightening clown of death
for he was a freaky clown at best
that would put her weary heart to rest.

Way down in the sewers, she came upon his lair
with his panted on face, and his fake red hair
"Oh, please help me!" She wailed
"Can you sing me a little clown prayer?"

IT looked at her and scratched his head
"I can think of something better.
Take me to their beds, where they lie
and I'll show them the circus in the sky."

She was delighted as she dried her eyes
It was her time to fit in, with out the lies!
She took him to the place where her dreams once died
the Juggalo city, at the border line.

The Juggalos were no stranger
to Pennywise, they knew they were in danger
they reacted not in fury, or total anger
they knew IT was just another player hater.

Not before long,
the mighty Juggalo's were gone.
IT and C were all alone,
it was THE END, or so she thought.

Pennywise turned to our hero C,
and said "You are the finest Juggalette I ever did see.
Come live with me, I'd be filled with delight
if you and I were to marry tonight!"

Candace was a girl I used to know
who lives in the sewer where the critters grow.
She is as happy as anyone I know
because she is the ultimate Juggalo!

*(I aspire to be a country singer, this is my first attempt.)*

Are you a Hipster? A brief quiz.

(Before I start this off, you will notice the signature on this post is my real name! I no longer have to use my co-pilot's e-mail anymore, nor do I have to tag every post with A. Pasal. Unless I feel like it...)

Have you ever wondered if you are, in fact, the odd creature they call a Hipster? Take this easy quiz to find out!

1) Are you a Hipster?

[] YES

[] NO

ANSWER KEY

If you chose YES, you are a Hipster! Congratulations!

If you chose NO, you are not a Hipster! Congratulations!

If you chose NO ironically, you are a Hipster! Congratulations!

If you chose YES to try and fit in, you are a poser! Congratulations!

If you chose YES but thought the quiz was asking if you are a Hippie, You need to re-take the quiz!

If you thought to yourself, "Fuck this stupid test", You are a Punk!

If you couldn't decide what to put down and mulled over this test for a while, while thinking to yourself, "What IS a Hipster, so you walked around outside for a bit to help clear your mind, before coming to the realization that maybe, in fact, you ARE a hipster, because you need an identity, and that can fill the void, You have a mind! you don't need to be a Hipster unless you really want to!

If you wanted to watch Star Wars instead, you are a Geek! Congratulations!

If you didn't care about this quiz at all, because you thinks Hipsters aren't very cool anyways, you don't need to take this, because you are already better that the lot of them anyways.

If you wish to retake the quiz because you are unhappy with your answer, you may in fact do so.

Or if you think I am flat out wrong, e-mail me at mack.rambo@gmail.com, where you will be promptly ignored.

Hooters: A Journey (Part 1)

A month or two ago, I turned 18. And I had no idea what to do.

So I figured I would do what most well adjusted 18 year old do on their 18th birthday.

T & A FTW.

But of course this would take a lot of planning and determination. And there was no way I would do this alone, sitting in a corner with a party hat. I had to do this carefully, so as not to ruin it. So I enlisted some help with my friends Ninja Edwards, and Schooley, friends who understood and even suggested the idea in the first place.

Schooley suggested Hooters, because it was pretty tame, and it was a transition. We would work our way up to free pizza day at the local strip club. Plus, we heard the wings were pretty damn tasty.

So we put on our sunglasses and headed out on our adventure. Hooters took a while to get there, and when we arrived in the crowded parking lot, we were greeted with the beautiful sight of a fat man taking his shirt off in the parking lot. His body hair was majestic, and it was a great way to start off a potential dinner. Imagine, looking at that before you had a chance to have some tasty wings! MMMMM!

The Hooters was located next to a now defunct Christian store, specializing in Spanish Bibles.

Laughs were had. Who reads anymore?

We entered the restaurant, and it was very crowded. It was a fight night, apparently. No one came to our aid, so we poked around a bit.

We found hoola hoops.

A woman came up to us!

"45 minute wait, y'all sure you want to stick around?" She said, the words coming out of her hot pink lips.

"...Yes." Schooley said defiantly.

"Can I get a name for y'all?"

The panic set in. What alias were we going to use?

"Sandra." Said Ninja.

When she left, we huddled. Did we really want to stick around?

No.

It was too crowded, and we were too hungry. And it wasn't even wet t-shirt day.

So we left, and as I looked back, I saw the little waitress in her orange shorts running to serve wings to her hungry male customer.

I also saw a mother with her child.

So this restaurant is not just for the men, but it is a family dining establishment!

Someday, we will be bold enough to eat a wing.

Someday, we may even have the glory to work there!

But until then, the Cheesecake factory will do.