My Secret Dream

Is that somehow, someday, Kel Mitchell will be on SNL for 5 minutes, and he and Kenan can perform the good ol' "Good Burger" sketch.

And mainly because I want to see Kenan and Kel together again, best friends separated by fame and time.

It will be glorious, and I will die happily.

There have been many viral campaigns that actually ended up coming true, such as the whole "Get Betty White on SNL" attempt that was around a year or two ago, WHICH ACTUALLY WORKED.

Betty White is old, and you know what else is? Kenan and Kel. Also, All That.

If Betty White can be on SNL, then why can't Kel Mitchell?

So go on, my internet friends and amigos. Spread the magic so that my dream can come true.

I just ingested 20 pixy stix and saw God.

I just ingested 20 pixy stix, 16 of which were cherry because my friend does not like cherry pixy stix. She one snorted an entire line of them for 20 dollars, though, so I don't blame her for not liking them anymore.

Anyways, I didn't set out to see God. I don't think anybody really has that sort of mentality or goal. What a weird goal, right? "Oh, I wonder if I eat enough of [food], I will talk to God, or become Lady Gaga." One of which is impossible. The other actually happened. I saw God a few minutes after I ate the last stick of magic. I was walking home at the time, in the dark. The streets got quiet. My footsteps slowed down to a steady trot. The lights in the houses started to dim. It was a typical Saturday Night. When I turned the corner to my house, God was sitting on my front porch, on the 14th step. Just chilling.

"Hello, Amber." God said, his voice deep and smooth against my ears.

"Hello, God." My voice deep and low against the cool wind. "So what brings you to this little side of the world?"

"We need to talk."

"Um, OK!" I said brightly. If God wants to talk, you better damn well listen to every word he has to say.

"As you know, today is the 21st." He stood up and started to walk down my stairs towards me, His long white beard blowing in the faint breeze. He stopped when he was about a foot from me. He was a lot shorter than I imagined, mainly because I imagined him to be a giant cloud. Or a dragon. But he was only a couple of inches taller than me. And he was a man, as far as I could tell. I couldn't bring myself to look at his face just yet, because I was afraid of turning into stone. And who wants to be a statue for your entire life? I looked around, just to make sure nobody else was watching this meeting go down. And to give myself something else to look at besides Him.

"Yes, I know that today was the 21st. Aren't you supposed to be up... there... to sort through those who have been raptured, and all that?" I asked innocently.

God laughed a hearty, booming laugh that filled the sky with lightning and thunder.

"You actually believed that the rapture was today? Oh me, who told you that?"

"Well, there was this one crazy religious guy-"

"My child, you have to be more specific than that. The world is full of crazy religious people."

"Well, then. Why do you allow that?"

God paused, and took a deep breath. A cool breeze rustled the leaves in the trees. All was silent.

"Because- You know how there are people out there that... fancy you? And you want nothing to do with them because they are creepy and slightly off? And you are too polite to actually tell them to Fuck off, but you know that they are going to the special part of the psych ward anyways when they die?"

"Um, I think you lost me."

God sighed again. "This isn't why I am down here. I need to ask you to do a favor." He placed his hand on my shoulder. It was warm, strong, and terrifying.

"Oh, no. I am not falling for that one, Mr. God-"

"God is fine."

"OK, God. Anyways, I am not falling for that one again, because I don't want to lead any revolutions, because I know how all of THOSE end."

"No, that is not the reason I am here. Not now, anyways. You are not old enough. Anyways, I was wondering if I could borrow your Wii. I broke mine."

"What the hell, God. You want to borrow my Wii? Why can't you fix your own?"

"Because the pixy stix are wearing off, my child. But until the next time..." I looked at him this time, because I knew I wouldn't have a chance to see him again any time in the near future. His eyes were brown, and his face was white and pale. Before I knew it, he blended in with the sky, and I woke up on the front lawn because the sprinklers turned off. I walked inside, but not before taking another look at the moon. The wind blew, and I ran inside. I knew that I would be seeing Him again someday, maybe sooner, maybe later. But eating pixy stix would not be the way to go about that.

The Moral of this story: Pixy Stix. Not even once. Also, never let God borrow your Wii, because you will probably never see it again. And I was just getting the hang of Twilight Princess.

Dial M for Megaladon (Ch. 12)

"Today is the day."

"Wha..?" Megaladon grumbled. She was never very good at waking up early. At least, she figured it was early. She didn't really know at this point anymore, being stuck in an ice cave since December makes it kind of hard to figure out the difference between the morning and the night. No matter what time it was, Megaladon was groggy and tired.

The crew of renegades have been busy training themselves, along with other members of the galaxy who wanted a change. Their crew grew to quite an astounding number, at least 300 or so. But was this going to be enough? Nobody knew the exact number of the zombie crew, and there were thousands of others in hiding as well, who didn't really want to get involved in the battle if death was going to be involved. But they sent their wishes for the best with interstellar fruit baskets, which was good enough for them. This meant that they didn't need to worry about their meals while they were underground. Which only added to the confusion as to what time it was. Fruit for every meal defeats the purpose of Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, and every small meal in between. But they were busy raising and breeding the illegal pokemon to create the ultimate fighting team, so that was enough.

"Today is the day." M Cassie repeated again, her rosy face poking out of her heavy parka.

"The Lady is going to rise today." she said, her eyes twinkling.

"How..." Megaladon replied, still half asleep.

"How do I know? Well, do you miss the sun?"

"Well, yea-"

"Then it is time." M Cassie stood up, and walked to the other tents in the cave, waking up the rest of the renegades. Megaladon took a moment to compose herself, before she finally got up and out of the tent. She breathed a heavy sigh, before releasing her Magikarp and called over Cornelius.

"You two... I just want to say how proud I am of you two. I know that we have had some problems in the past, but that I-" She sniffed, and held back a sob.

"S'allright, my friend. You don't have to say a word." Cornelius said, and nuzzled her a bit.

Megaladon smiled.

"You are all right." She brushed back Cornelius's hair, and gave him an apple to munch on, before walking away to compose herself, as Chester slowly walked up towards her.

To say that there was something between the two of them was a complicated subject. They tried to hide their feelings somewhat, but you could still cut the sexual tension between the two of them with a chainsaw. But they still tried to keep to themselves, so as not to create any further sexual tension. This, of course, is the absolute opposite thing that one should do if they are in love with somebody. The feelings will only multiply profusely until everybody know what is going on between the two of you.

"So, this migh' be it, Little lady" Chester said grimmly.

"From what I have heard, yes. But I can't continue living like this! In an ice cave! Underground! I haven't had bacon in months, and this ends now!"

Chester laughed.

"What Why are you laughing? Do you not know of the imminent danger we are about to face? We might die, and you are laughing!"

Chester stopped, and tried to get a word in edgewise, but Megaladon wouldn't allow it.

"I will not stand for this. I am going to live free, or die hard. I am going to set a great example for every small ninja pokemon warrior girl out there who is afraid to show her feelings! I will-"

Chester didn't say anything, but his lips certainly were trying to. Or so Megaladon thought, because that is what they felt like on her own lips. She tried to protest, but instead contributed to the strange language of the kiss by reciprocating her own message to him. One that said 'I love you, but...'

"I can't." She pulled away, looked at him deeply in the eyes, and walked away before her feelings got the better of her again. She couldn't do this to her friend, Ninja Edwards, she couldn't! And she wouldn't allow herself to become attached to somebody of he or she were going to die, possible. Chester was right behind her, trying to talk some sense into her.

"I can't Don't you see? We can't do this, it will only cause problems for us later on down the road." Megaladon firmly stated.

"But-But wouldn' you rather be together now, than wonder wha' it could've been? I know you're afraid, an' I know that this is complicated, to be hones', but isn' this easier than tryin' to deny it 'll? Besides, all we have is now." Chester looked her deep into the eyes, and she kissed him, squarely on the forehead.

"Not now. Maybe after all of this is over, but not now." She looked at him with determination burning in her eyes. "We have a war to win."

Lil' Sis VS Missionaries

Romance Novels from Wal-Mart: A Book Review

I bought a romance novel at Wal-Mart the other day, solely because I felt that all girls should read a romance novel at least once in their lives. Or because I felt that in order to fully be a female, I had to read one. This, I learned, is not a very good answer. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I browsed the aisles up and down for the perfect book.

On a different, side note, did you know that Wal-Mart has an entire aisle reserved for romance novels? And not one of them involved a picture of Fabio.

After much debate, I finally settled on this beauty. The title says it all: Delectably Undone! Notice the use of the exclamation point! And the beautiful script! I knew I held a treasure. And the price was unbeatable, even by Wal-Mart standards. But the best part? There were 5 different stories. 5 stories! It was like I found the bible of romance novels. But could I judge a book solely on the cover?

Well, there was a naked woman on it. So I can't be too far off.

At this point, I should probably mention I was expecting a romance novel. And by my definition of a romance novel, I mean that there was a lot of love in it, as in, falling in love, maybe some kissing or holding hands, a lot of tragedy. That kind of romance. I didn't realize that there would be sex in it. A lot of sex. So if you do not want to read about sex, read no further.

You have been warned.

There were 5 different stories, as i have mentioned earlier, but for the sake of this post, I will only review one of the stories, so that you may enjoy the other ones at your leisure.

Here is the plot summary of The Captain's Wicked Wager, by Marguerite Kaye:

Captain Ewan Dalgleish makes Isabella Mansfield a scandalous wager: In return for the money she needs, she must spend three nights with him...

That is the end of the plot summary of The Captain's Wager, by Marguerite Kaye.

Judging the book on the summary, it looks and sounds pretty lame. Ewan and Isabella is too close to my comfort zone, especially since she goes by (spoiler!) Belle later on in the story. Ewan and Belle. Belle and Ewan. Also, Ewan has the most amazing last name in the world. It was like the author was playing Scrabble from a set she bought from the thrift store, and she forgot how to spell "Dog Leash". I don't even know if that is how the word is supposed to be pronounced, but I couldn't think of a better sounding way. Dal-G-Leash? Dally? I give up.

The story is 51 pages. Sex happens about 6 pages in. There is no real sexual tension. At all.

The "story" is that Belle is more or less a compulsive gambler, who has no money to pay for the gambling that she does. Dog Leash comes in and says that he will pay her debt if he comes home with her for three nights. She agrees. She is not afraid of getting sexually assaulted or perhaps being mauled and made into a skin suit, which makes me think that she does this all the time. The sex is pretty standard. I won't go into describing any of the acts, because I feel that takes away from the heart and soul of the story, and I don't want to give anything away, now, do I?

Here are some choice quotes:

"She was not Isabella Stripped, she was Belle revealed."

"She wanted to touch it."

"'[Belle] will join me in garden after breakfast. You can wear my sister's clothes.'"

"One. That is how they ended. And that is how they began."

We have a real Pulitzer prize winner here, folks. The rest of the book is written by a variety of other women, and their stories involve Vikings and Samurais.

Is this book for everybody? No.

Do I feel like a woman for reading it? No.

Guess I need to read some more.

My Thoughts on Taylor Swift

Oh, Taylor Swift, I do not think you actually know what the word "Fearless" actually means.

You think you are like Alanis Morissette and the word "Ironic". Silly girl.

You are full of many contradictions.

I think you are a poor role model for young girls everywhere because all you do is sing about boys and love, but I will continue to listen to you because I am full of contradictions as well.

I hope that someday, you do find true love, so that you can focus on writing about other stuff. Like puppies and rainbows and the like.

I wish the best for you, and hope that you will never run out of glitter.

Rewriting Laffy Taffy Jokes

Laffy Taffy is terrible, in both candy form and joke form. Apparently the jokes are supposed to distract you from the overwhelming amount of corn syrup you are putting into your body, but it doesn't really do a very good job of it. Some people might find the particular candy an acceptable form of candy/joke fodder, but you could do so much better. Laffy Taffy is like the boyfriend (or girlfriend, but for the sake of this argument, we will stick with boyfriend) you had in high school before you went to college- He was always there, kind of bland and boring, yes, but he was comforting. And he told the worst jokes ever. And he was boring.

But you went to college to get a degree and a new life! You and your boyfriend promised to stay together forever, even though you and him went to colleges on the opposite sides of the world. But together forever is a promise, you say! And so it remained.

Until you met the boy who lived across the hall. He was tall, gorgeous, and had an accent that you couldn't quite put your finger on. He was smart, he was funny, he was (insert adjective here), he was everything you ever wanted in a man. Who are you going to choose? Laffy Taffy, or anything other than Laffy Taffy?

Exactly.

---

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence

Time to move. You can no longer live between Mr and Mrs Elephant, and Mr Lion. In fact, take a leap of faith and move away from Zoo Street altogether.

---

What does a car run on?

Wheels.

Fred Flintstone's feet.

---

Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop?

He wanted to get the scoop.

Because the ice cream shop was actually an undercover mafia hotspot, known for selling MJ instead of IC. Also, because somebody was murdered there.

---

What did the boy chip say to the girl chip?

Let's dance and I'll dip you!

Potato potato potato potato.

---

Why did the farmer bury all his money?

To make his soil rich.

Because he thought he was a pirate. Also, because he was crazy.

---

What do you call an avid gardener?

Herb.

Mary Jane.

---

What goes tick-tock, woof-woof?

A watchdog.

Kocker $paniel.

---

Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk?

She broke her angle.

Because one of her students pushed her down the stairs, because the student got a bad grade on their quiz.

---

What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips?

A chipmonk.

A homo sapien.

---

Why did the skeleton cross the road?

He had no guts.

He was inside of the chicken.

---

Better? Not really. Worse? Not really.

But these jokes get better in time. Someday you will thank me.