Lil' Sis VS Missionaries

Romance Novels from Wal-Mart: A Book Review

I bought a romance novel at Wal-Mart the other day, solely because I felt that all girls should read a romance novel at least once in their lives. Or because I felt that in order to fully be a female, I had to read one. This, I learned, is not a very good answer. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I browsed the aisles up and down for the perfect book.

On a different, side note, did you know that Wal-Mart has an entire aisle reserved for romance novels? And not one of them involved a picture of Fabio.

After much debate, I finally settled on this beauty. The title says it all: Delectably Undone! Notice the use of the exclamation point! And the beautiful script! I knew I held a treasure. And the price was unbeatable, even by Wal-Mart standards. But the best part? There were 5 different stories. 5 stories! It was like I found the bible of romance novels. But could I judge a book solely on the cover?

Well, there was a naked woman on it. So I can't be too far off.

At this point, I should probably mention I was expecting a romance novel. And by my definition of a romance novel, I mean that there was a lot of love in it, as in, falling in love, maybe some kissing or holding hands, a lot of tragedy. That kind of romance. I didn't realize that there would be sex in it. A lot of sex. So if you do not want to read about sex, read no further.

You have been warned.

There were 5 different stories, as i have mentioned earlier, but for the sake of this post, I will only review one of the stories, so that you may enjoy the other ones at your leisure.

Here is the plot summary of The Captain's Wicked Wager, by Marguerite Kaye:

Captain Ewan Dalgleish makes Isabella Mansfield a scandalous wager: In return for the money she needs, she must spend three nights with him...

That is the end of the plot summary of The Captain's Wager, by Marguerite Kaye.

Judging the book on the summary, it looks and sounds pretty lame. Ewan and Isabella is too close to my comfort zone, especially since she goes by (spoiler!) Belle later on in the story. Ewan and Belle. Belle and Ewan. Also, Ewan has the most amazing last name in the world. It was like the author was playing Scrabble from a set she bought from the thrift store, and she forgot how to spell "Dog Leash". I don't even know if that is how the word is supposed to be pronounced, but I couldn't think of a better sounding way. Dal-G-Leash? Dally? I give up.

The story is 51 pages. Sex happens about 6 pages in. There is no real sexual tension. At all.

The "story" is that Belle is more or less a compulsive gambler, who has no money to pay for the gambling that she does. Dog Leash comes in and says that he will pay her debt if he comes home with her for three nights. She agrees. She is not afraid of getting sexually assaulted or perhaps being mauled and made into a skin suit, which makes me think that she does this all the time. The sex is pretty standard. I won't go into describing any of the acts, because I feel that takes away from the heart and soul of the story, and I don't want to give anything away, now, do I?

Here are some choice quotes:

"She was not Isabella Stripped, she was Belle revealed."

"She wanted to touch it."

"'[Belle] will join me in garden after breakfast. You can wear my sister's clothes.'"

"One. That is how they ended. And that is how they began."

We have a real Pulitzer prize winner here, folks. The rest of the book is written by a variety of other women, and their stories involve Vikings and Samurais.

Is this book for everybody? No.

Do I feel like a woman for reading it? No.

Guess I need to read some more.

My Thoughts on Taylor Swift

Oh, Taylor Swift, I do not think you actually know what the word "Fearless" actually means.

You think you are like Alanis Morissette and the word "Ironic". Silly girl.

You are full of many contradictions.

I think you are a poor role model for young girls everywhere because all you do is sing about boys and love, but I will continue to listen to you because I am full of contradictions as well.

I hope that someday, you do find true love, so that you can focus on writing about other stuff. Like puppies and rainbows and the like.

I wish the best for you, and hope that you will never run out of glitter.

Rewriting Laffy Taffy Jokes

Laffy Taffy is terrible, in both candy form and joke form. Apparently the jokes are supposed to distract you from the overwhelming amount of corn syrup you are putting into your body, but it doesn't really do a very good job of it. Some people might find the particular candy an acceptable form of candy/joke fodder, but you could do so much better. Laffy Taffy is like the boyfriend (or girlfriend, but for the sake of this argument, we will stick with boyfriend) you had in high school before you went to college- He was always there, kind of bland and boring, yes, but he was comforting. And he told the worst jokes ever. And he was boring.

But you went to college to get a degree and a new life! You and your boyfriend promised to stay together forever, even though you and him went to colleges on the opposite sides of the world. But together forever is a promise, you say! And so it remained.

Until you met the boy who lived across the hall. He was tall, gorgeous, and had an accent that you couldn't quite put your finger on. He was smart, he was funny, he was (insert adjective here), he was everything you ever wanted in a man. Who are you going to choose? Laffy Taffy, or anything other than Laffy Taffy?

Exactly.

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What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence

Time to move. You can no longer live between Mr and Mrs Elephant, and Mr Lion. In fact, take a leap of faith and move away from Zoo Street altogether.

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What does a car run on?

Wheels.

Fred Flintstone's feet.

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Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop?

He wanted to get the scoop.

Because the ice cream shop was actually an undercover mafia hotspot, known for selling MJ instead of IC. Also, because somebody was murdered there.

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What did the boy chip say to the girl chip?

Let's dance and I'll dip you!

Potato potato potato potato.

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Why did the farmer bury all his money?

To make his soil rich.

Because he thought he was a pirate. Also, because he was crazy.

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What do you call an avid gardener?

Herb.

Mary Jane.

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What goes tick-tock, woof-woof?

A watchdog.

Kocker $paniel.

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Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk?

She broke her angle.

Because one of her students pushed her down the stairs, because the student got a bad grade on their quiz.

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What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips?

A chipmonk.

A homo sapien.

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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

He had no guts.

He was inside of the chicken.

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Better? Not really. Worse? Not really.

But these jokes get better in time. Someday you will thank me.

Cooking Pun-pernickel Bread

You butter believe that cooking bread is awesome. One might say I get a rise out of it. The problem with cooking in flour kitchen is that everything gets so dirty and messy. At yeast it is fun and tasty! I loaf it! It smells so slice.

17 Reasons Justin Bieber and I are Soul Sisters

In honor of National Pancake Day at IHOP, And Justin Biebers Birthday, I am going to compile a list of how Justin Bieber and I are completely identical in every way, shape or form. But since there is not enough space in the world for that, I decided to narrow it down to 17 reasons, because that is how old he is turning. While eating pancakes. Mmmmm.

1) Both of our voices crack, except mine really doesn't

2) We are both Canadian

3) We are both under six feet tall

4) Usher wanted to sign me too, but I am holding out and hoping that Jay-Z, Biggs, and Dash sign me to Roc-A-Fella Records

5) His manager's name is Scooter Braun, I like to ride scooters.

6) Both of our voices make the angels cry

7) Little kids LOVE us. The climb all over us, wanting to touch my clothes with their sticky fingers and their juice stained clothes and play Barbie with them. But no matter how hard I insist, they just don't leave me alone. And all I want to do is watch TV. Babysitting ain't easy...

8) Both of us look amazing in skinny pants

9) It's My World too... point OH!

10)We are both adorable

11) I also did not win Best New Artist at the Grammys

12) Rihanna wouldn't give me her number either

13) When I got a haircut, 80,000 people stopped following me on Twitter

14) We are both 90's children, though I am more "R/B/Y" and he is more "FR/LG"

15) When we dance, Angels cry even more. Mainly, Michael Jackson.

16) I was at a concert once, and someone threw a beer bottle at my head. Instead, it hit Justin Bieber. So close!

17) I also played a young juvenile that got gunned down by the po-po on CSI. Except he was just acting. I wasn't.

Astounding! I could pass off as Justin Bieber (I like to think that he can pass off for me).

In fact, I don't know why anyone didn't think of this sooner.

Guess what?