Hooters: A Journey (Part 1)

A month or two ago, I turned 18. And I had no idea what to do.

So I figured I would do what most well adjusted 18 year old do on their 18th birthday.

T & A FTW.

But of course this would take a lot of planning and determination. And there was no way I would do this alone, sitting in a corner with a party hat. I had to do this carefully, so as not to ruin it. So I enlisted some help with my friends Ninja Edwards, and Schooley, friends who understood and even suggested the idea in the first place.

Schooley suggested Hooters, because it was pretty tame, and it was a transition. We would work our way up to free pizza day at the local strip club. Plus, we heard the wings were pretty damn tasty.

So we put on our sunglasses and headed out on our adventure. Hooters took a while to get there, and when we arrived in the crowded parking lot, we were greeted with the beautiful sight of a fat man taking his shirt off in the parking lot. His body hair was majestic, and it was a great way to start off a potential dinner. Imagine, looking at that before you had a chance to have some tasty wings! MMMMM!

The Hooters was located next to a now defunct Christian store, specializing in Spanish Bibles.

Laughs were had. Who reads anymore?

We entered the restaurant, and it was very crowded. It was a fight night, apparently. No one came to our aid, so we poked around a bit.

We found hoola hoops.

A woman came up to us!

"45 minute wait, y'all sure you want to stick around?" She said, the words coming out of her hot pink lips.

"...Yes." Schooley said defiantly.

"Can I get a name for y'all?"

The panic set in. What alias were we going to use?

"Sandra." Said Ninja.

When she left, we huddled. Did we really want to stick around?

No.

It was too crowded, and we were too hungry. And it wasn't even wet t-shirt day.

So we left, and as I looked back, I saw the little waitress in her orange shorts running to serve wings to her hungry male customer.

I also saw a mother with her child.

So this restaurant is not just for the men, but it is a family dining establishment!

Someday, we will be bold enough to eat a wing.

Someday, we may even have the glory to work there!

But until then, the Cheesecake factory will do.

The Captain

Years and years ago, I was but a young girl.

Quite a feat, because I am still a young girl. But the opportunity arose for me to go on an adventure. And I took the opportunity, because I am, in fact, only human.

But I decided to go on this adventure because I was a pirate, and Pirates go on adventures all the time. This adventure would mark the end of an extremely long journey, twelve years in the making! Do you know how long twelve years is? A dozen. That is how many.

But I slipped into the ceremonial adventure gown that so many have donned before me, snow white for the females, and crimson for the males, I gathered the symbolic pieces of metal and cord that I have earned over the years. I saw many others with their adventure cords, and I felt at ease. There would be many before me that would rise to this occasion. I slowly entered the dark and barren cave that would be the main stage for the adventure. I stood there among my comrades and peers, and waited for an end that would not come swiftly enough. The ceremonial gowns were quite hot, and I knew it would be a long time before I would be able to take it off. I decided to straighten my square, matching cap, and suck it up, so I wouldn't be such a pussy. The line was moving! Finally! I looked at my friends in the dark cave, as we entered an amphitheater. There were strange creatures looking upon us, with flashing eyes, and signs that had symbols on them. They were screaming, as if there for a celebration... weird.

I sat in the ceremonial chair. I did not know why I was there, but I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. The twelve year journey prepared me for the epic boring-ness of the situation. I knew how to keep occupied. I spaced out as strange people gave strange, generic speeches.

But wait! Everyone was standing up! I did too. It was my time to fly, dear readers, and I was to fly with style. I got to the screamers with the loud voices.

"NAME?" He screamed, quite loudly

"Captain A Pasal!" I screamed at him, and took my place on the stage with the large multiplication sign stuck on the stage. He screamed out the name, and I strode across the stage.

Then I sat down. That was the end of my adventure. I must begin preparing for the next one.

At the end of the journey, we threw up our pointy, square caps.

We did it, Team 2010.

Live long and prosper, bitches.

Updates

Are over-rated.

Diaries

Diaries, (or Dairys for they 8 and younger crowd, or Journals for dudes, or Captains Logs if you are Kirk) are forms of written documentation so that one may access previous encounters with their life. Diaries are also forms to show how awesome life used to be, before you screwed it up by spending countless hours in front of the Television, or... you know.

Diaries are also the more primitive forms of blogs. In fact, this blog, and my very own diary have something in common: There are two current readers (besides my co-star, Medan), myself, and my sister.

Diaries are a place to put down innermost secrets that no one should know about. Blogs are a place to put innermost secrets that are allowed to be shared with the world.

In most cases, these written logs are important to understand the culture that the writers are in. Which means that most entires are about how awful life is, and how moody you are, and how nothing will ever be the same. Because now, life is rolling foreward at a constant rate. Time stops for no one.
Not even Chuck Norris.
But I will discuss his faults at a later time.
Diaries are perfect for the brooding, moody beatnik in all of us.

Even you.

Glasses

Glasses are used for being able to see in various cases where it is impossible to do so. As in, you were born with poor eyesite, so you need glasses to see the board at school, so you will not fail later in life.
Or if you are a driver, So you don't veer off the road and take the lives of the righteous, as well as the wicked.
Glasses were not created as a visual means of fashion, but they certainly evolved into that indication. For those who are stuck with bad eyesite, they might as well be cool looking, as the glasses will be the first cranial accessory that one will see when they meet you.
Glasses were not meant to be treated as any other piece of jewelry. Some people just don't deserve to wear glasses.

I am talking about the Indie-Hipster-Douchebags who listen to "Indie" music, who ride their "bikes" everywhere to the local "coffee hut" because that is "the cool thing to do."

The hipsters who try hard, to make it look like they are not trying hard.

I am not criticizing the whole of the indie sub culture, I will get to that another day. But when a kid who has been making fun of me for wearing glasses since the fourth grade, suddenly appears with the latest dollar store glasses with the lenses punched out...

Do they really think they have earned any sort of street cred? Half my life, I have been wearing glasses. And for a majority of it, people would make snide remarks about my less than stellar vision.

"Wow, you must be blind."

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Wow, you look like Urkle/Velma/[Insert name of "geek"] "

or, my favorite:

"Floor Pies!"

The latter was a poor attempt at the practicle 'four eyes' approach. (If you ask me, THEY need the glasses if they believe I actually have four eyes) but he lisped his words together. Of course, I made fun of him for that until he cried.

Hey, I never said I was merciless. And it was the 5th grade. So sue me.

I choose not to wear contacts, because I do not want to sell out. And they burn my eyes. If you choose to wear contacts, that is your decision! Go for it! But if you wear contacts, and are wearing a pair of Ray Bans with the lenses pushed out, you lose all the credibility you ever had.

Which is none, you stupid indie kid.

Beaver Duck

The infamous Beaver duck is unlike any other animal hybrid around. It is equal parts Beaver, and Equal parts duck. One may even say it is half/half.
The Beaver Duck can live in various places, ranging from your imagination, to Eastern Australia. It is unique in many different, unique ways. It is the only mammal to lay eggs instead of birthing live young, with the breeding season starting and ending June to October. Beaver Ducks often participate in polygamous lifestyles, so they may have come from various places in Utah as well.
The Beaver Duck has poisonous venom, located in the ankle spurs. Only the males have venomous ankle spurs, as the females do not need to be worried about getting into many physical fights, as they mainly use verbal attacks, much like any other female species. Males are much more prone to get into fights, as that is their macho behavior. Plus, it probably does help to score chicks if they look tough and menacing. The venom is not enough to kill any full grown human, but it might as well: If you were stung by a Beaver Duck, you might as well die from embarrassment.
Beaver Ducks find their food sources (smaller creatures, such as the shrimpy goodness of shrimp) by using electrolocation. Their sensory sensors are located in the skin of their bills, and it can be quite powerful. They can determine the direction of an electric source by moving his head from side to side. If you see this happen, the Beaver Duck is not merely listening to rap music (or certain super-jazz groups) but looking for his/her shrimp cocktail. Beaver Ducks spend about 12 hours a day looking for food. They dive in the water for up to 40 seconds at a time, and spend time out of the water in burrows made of roots or old tree trunks. Electrolocation + Venom also means another thing for the Beaver Duck: It is as close to a Pokémon as many are going to get in their ENTIRE LIVES. Unless you live in the Johto,
The Beaver Duck spends about 17 years of its life alive. The other years it spends dead. The beautiful creature is no where near being extinct, even after years of being captured for its fur. Those days are long gone. Trappers now make fur coats out of minks, and various other endangered species.
All in all, the Beaver Duck is a fascinating creature. It may very well exist, to prove that The Big Guy Up There has a fantastic sense of humor. Also, that Australia is a weird and crazy place.

There were good cartoons once.

Nickelodeon used to be awesome when I was a kid. The greatest shows were playing at a near constant speed, and just about everything on there was comic gold.
There was Rugrats, before they decided to sell out by adding new babies to the formula.
We had Rocko's Modern life, with more sexual innuendos than a day at high school
There was the fabulous Angry Beavers, about... two very angry beavers.
And that isn't even the tip of the ice berg
All That is the reason I wanted to be a comedian, and work to the big time: SNL.
I could go on and on about the greatest 90s station, but there is simply not enough time for me to do this. I will devote every other Sunday into the finer points of Nickelodeon, before we had crap like iCarly, Barnyard, and the dreaded Spongebob Squarepants.
Life didn't always used to fail this miserably. There was a time where parents didn't care about the violence on an episode of Ren and Stimpy. Because now violence in cartoons will lead to violence in real life.
Yeah, right.
People have gotten too uptight about programming for kids. Who wants educational cartoons? If The Man is going to remove the good stuff for the kids, I say e remove the "reality" programs from every station EVER. Which means that MTV is out of buisness, but since that station is already a walking contradiction, it wouldn't be much of a problem.
The point is, thing were better.


And we all knew that.
-A. Pasal

'Quel Re

This is not merely an academic course (Where you earn the famous "internet points" for knowing something/pleasing us with your wit), it is also a place where one can see that they are NOT ALONE in this cruel, cruel world. Us true geeks are a dying breed, with imposters around every corner. We are the real deal. We know what we are talking about, as we were there to experience it. We will ultimately continue to know.
As long as there is a new TV show to geek out to.
As long as there is anything to do with a comic book.
As long as long is long.
Medan and I will be there for the ride.
Will you?
-A. Pasal
PS-All thoughts and opinions are of the writers ONLY. They do not reflect the ideas of the schools in the valley, our friends and enemies, though we may share similar interests. We are not trying to INFLUENCE anyone, but that may/may not happen.
You've been warned.